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not AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

yeah.... so I think it's that time again. that i-can't-get-shit-accomplished-and-i'm-starting-to-really-be-sickened-with-my-lifestyle-and-need-to-turn-myself-around-again time.

i bought nailpolish. two bottles. and painted my nails in the darkest shade i've ever known.

yeah, it's that time.

which of course means the re-start of the inevitable "six weeks to a better me" campaign. Only i don't think i'm that lost in the dark so we're limiting this one to two.

yeah, i'm that lazy. Unfortunately, this half has to focus on school because it's taking over my life and overwhelming me like a giant incandescent light bulb. (why incandescent light bulb? i think i just got done reading something about that.)

alright. enough fucking around. let's get to it....

Week 1:

Sunday, November 8:

don't have much of a choice on this one...don't think I'll have much time other than:

Morning

-wii fit!!!!

-read Paradise up to page 182 (must do before 11pm on Sunday) - ok, I didn't do the whole thing, but read up to 94 which is as good as it's going to get unfortunately.

-post for RGS(must do before 11pm on Sunday)

-study for Micro, chapters 5,6,7,and 8 (must do before 1pm on Monday)

Later

-test myself on practice test (must do before 1pm on Monday)

-come up with .5-1 page thesis for RGS (due at 1pm on Monday)

-write 2-3 page Drama paper (due noon on Monday)

Monday, November 9

Morning

-last minute studying for ECON!

Later (after exam)

-read Fires in the Mirror

-make an online (or handout) survey for BTW

-call Tito Joey about kiosk business.

Success or fail?

Tuesday, November 10

After class

-go to Rite Aid to get prescription (and cereal?)

-figure out an articulable PROBLEM for BTW (probably have to go to computer lab)

-meeting with Dalbello at 6:30? PREPARE LOTS OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT!

-try to write down a rough draft of thesis based on the meeting

-register for classes at 10pm. DON'T FUCK UP!

Success or fail?

Wednesday, November 11

Morning

-wii fit

-tell Mommy and Daddy "Happy Anniversary". try.not.to.cry.

-Go to economics. I'm serious this time.

Later

-finalize first draft of thesis

-learn a love song on the guitar (extra points if it needs a capo!)

Success or fail?

Thursday, November 12

Morning

-wii fit

Later

-get more information about population for BTW. write it down.

Friday, November 13

-write "thank you letter" to Lorraine Completo.

- Write a Thanksgiving letter to Countryside in general.

-Go home.

Saturday, November 14

Week 2:

Sunday, November 15

Monday, November 16

Tuesday, November 17

Wednesday, November 18

Thursday, November 19

Friday, November 20

Saturday, November 21

I feel pretty disheartened. I can't narrow down my thesis focus, I can't find any classes I want to take, I can't decide what school/career path I should be on... I'm constantly changing my mind. It's impossible to figure out if I'll be in this house next year or not, I don't know what the next step is going to be.

i know i sound like a bitch complaining, but i'm used to my world being in order, being able to visualize the what comes next. i'm so lost now that i can't figure out what i'm doing right now. it's like the confusion is seeping through my skin going deeper and deeper....

i'm starting to get that feeling again that i don't belong... in this social world, in this academia, in this stage of life, in this era...

i'm just constantly doing. reading for this class, writing for the next, studying for some shit, wanting to apply for internships and never fucking getting around to it. maybe i'm not cut out for publishing after all.

i guess I just don't feel good enough. i'm like the genius guy on the big bang theory that finds out that 12 yr old prodigy is smarter than him... only i'm not a genius, and i just feel like everyone else is just smarter, can learn easier, be motivated to do more, have more drive and ability.

and at the same time i feel stuck in this bullshit obsessive conventionality. i hope things turn around

contemplation

Thank you, Jane Lee for that post. haha I love my major. I really do. I love literature, the things it tells you, the way you can use language and rhetoric to tell your own story.

When a good writer writes, he or she writes with conviction. They write, accounting for every word, every sentence, every punctuation mark. They mean something with their language.

What do you mean with your language? How are you expressing yourself? If you listened to yourself, would you get from it what you hope your listeners will get from you?

I think we spend most of our lives avoiding listening to ourselves. We act without contemplating why we act. We speak without being able to account for why we are speaking. More than half my daily conversations are with people just trying to fill up the silence, myself included. We narrate what's happening, what has happened. We remind each other of the past and contemplate the future without ever stopping to think about why these things matter.

I think this is what I love most about my major. When English majors read, it's not about what the character did, how the writer expressed it, the progression of the plot. It's all about why.

How much of your life can you account for?
HOW MUCH OF YOUR LIFE CAN YOU ACCOUNT for?

My answer is... I don't know. Ask me ten years from now and I hope I'll be able to respond with "ALL OF IT!"

Before you move on with your day, ask yourself this question:
1) Why am I at this particular place in my life?
And I'm talking about all of it.
I'm talking about your job/student status. Why are you studying this over that? Why are you going to school at all? Why are you on this particular career path? Why are you working at all?
And don't give yourself some bullshit response like "because I have to, because I need the money. because it's the only way to survive in this world" because that doesn't reach the core of it. Why is money important to you at all? What's your goals, what are you trying to get out of life? What do you value most?
And I'm talking about your relationships. Your friends, your family, your significant, or not so significant other. Why are you with the people that you are with? Why are you with the person you're with? Again, saying you're obligated to them, or attached to them, or love them, isn't good enough. Don't congratualate yourself if you come up with some cliche response like "I'm not complete without him, I can't live without her." It's not enough.

I'm not going to test you on this. You'd only be cheating yourself. Realizing why you are where you are, or rather, realizing that you can't figure out why you are where you are, may make you finally understand where and who you want to be and make the appropriate adjustments.

We are so grateful to have been born in this world human, to be able to think profoundly, contemplate things outside of our experience, figure out motives, deny our animal instincts. It's too much of a gift to waste it floating through. Life is beautiful. it's malleable, it's dynamic. your decisions matter. Please, make them count.

why am i finding writing so hard? i've been working on a 5 page paper for over nine hours and I'm only on page three. I feel like i've lost my touch. Like I'm losing my voice. losing my imagination as well as my analytical skills. I feel like I could do so much better but there's a blockade in my mind.

I need to get my shit straight.

and the only way I know how to do that is to write.

let's start with school:

class #1: Intro to the Thesis

kinda freaking out just because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO WRITE MY THESIS ABOUT. and i don't want to start up on something that 5 months later, I realize I'm actually not that interested in it after all. kinda scared because it seems like next week is when we should kinda have our shit straightened out and I'm nowhere near that

class #2: Writing for Business and Professionals

Not quite as worried about this one, but still need to catch up on some things. whatev

class #3: Intermediate Microeconomic Analysis

wow. this was a complete fail. this is the reason i might not want to be an econ minor. i simply haven't been going to class. been reading a little but not enough. first midterm is Monday and I feel entirely unprepared

class #4: Contemporary Drama

I actually have no concerns about this, 'cept that I can't miss any more classes. already.

class #5: Race Gender and Space

I feel like I'm not getting this class as well as I should. and I can only miss one more of these classes. poo.

so, in general... i need to 1)figure out my thesis. 2)do more work with Writing for Bus n Prof 3) catch up on Micro, majorly.

and with the rest of my time?

i signed up for tutoring on thursday nights at Elijah's promise

i also might get more involved with FIMRC in general b/c they're just doing great things

may sign up for some other tutoring programs... but...

I think I'm applying for a job tomorrow. a real, $12 and hour, 25 hours a week, part-time job. I'm not sure if I'll get it. or if I can actually do it if I get it. But it's in real estate. for that alone, it's worth a try. wow. i feel much better already. thanks blogger.

simple request?

I miss simplicity.
Like when the world kinda, sorta made sense
Like when friends were friends, boyfriends were boyfriends
When people didn't hurt so much.

I miss the clear definitions between right and wrong
The line between black and white
The ability to walk away from the bad
To work towards the good

I don't miss youth. I don't miss ignorance. I don't miss naivete.

I just miss not having to tear apart my brain to determine why things are the way they are and what can be done about it.