I feel pretty disheartened. I can't narrow down my thesis focus, I can't find any classes I want to take, I can't decide what school/career path I should be on... I'm constantly changing my mind. It's impossible to figure out if I'll be in this house next year or not, I don't know what the next step is going to be.

i know i sound like a bitch complaining, but i'm used to my world being in order, being able to visualize the what comes next. i'm so lost now that i can't figure out what i'm doing right now. it's like the confusion is seeping through my skin going deeper and deeper....

i'm starting to get that feeling again that i don't belong... in this social world, in this academia, in this stage of life, in this era...

i'm just constantly doing. reading for this class, writing for the next, studying for some shit, wanting to apply for internships and never fucking getting around to it. maybe i'm not cut out for publishing after all.

i guess I just don't feel good enough. i'm like the genius guy on the big bang theory that finds out that 12 yr old prodigy is smarter than him... only i'm not a genius, and i just feel like everyone else is just smarter, can learn easier, be motivated to do more, have more drive and ability.

and at the same time i feel stuck in this bullshit obsessive conventionality. i hope things turn around