random

"So just take it easy...
and celebrate the malleable reality."

George had to pull me away from the rainstorm back into the house. I probably could have stayed out there. To me, in that moment, it was absolutely beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. The wind felt incredibly fresh against my skin; I could taste the vivacity of the earth; I was, for that moment a part of it all. I was cleansed, and I was free.

My world was a piece of art; a poem.

Lately, I've been really coming to know myself. The whole truths of myself, without the stench of shame and self-consciousness that usually reeks so bad I avoid the whole thing altogether. More than ever, I'm beginning to realize my place on this world... where I want to be and how I wish to be... and beginning to recognize parts of my self that I cannot yet articulate. My world is changing and I'm trying to embrace it.

the rest of reality pales in comparison, haha. its filled with worrying about money and making decisions about my future... buying a car / worrying about getting rent paid / applying for side jobs / securing fall 09 jobs / choosing classes / choosing majors and minors / worrying about the fact that we can only sublease our room for 1/2 the rent / trying to keep my grades relatively up / arguing about matrimony, haha....blahblahblah. that stuff.

instead of dealing with all this mess, we of course spend half the day just being us and being in that beautiful state of love/fun/laziness/comfort/ecstasy/craziness. such is my life. the life im going to have to pretend to my kids that I didn't have. lol. i've been thinking lately that I'm glad i didnt spend my life around the safest/cleanest/ most innocent people lol. so i'll know what to expect when my kids come of age. haha oh man....

i think i need to be content with the fact that this semester, though I thought it would be my easiest, though I thought I would be seeing As across the board, will be my worst. an ugly blotch on a previously well done college career. then I can be content with the fact that I'm not going to finish my readings in time, I'll lose my participation points, i cant care about this class enough to write a good essay,
and astronomy....
... well, fuck astronomy.

distractions

now that I've finished New Moon, I need something else to focus on besides this annoying sickness... so my thoughts turn to:

Car. Car. Car.

Damn it.

Leave it to my mom to squash my hopes and dreams and bring me back to reality:

Money. Money. Money.

Damn it.

and trust me, it had nothing to do with the purchasing of a car. I knew I could do that much this summer. some place would be desperate enough to allow me to put a $1000 down payment and do payments for the rest. and more likely than not, I could pay the rest in full by october, at the least. the car was not the problem...
just everything else that comes with owning a car. insurance first. i've blissfully been w/o insurance forever. knowing i'm a safe enough driver not to fuck up and knowing I barely drive anyway, it was never a concern. why pay so much for something I wouldn't use?
but now...
i should anticipate at least $200 a month. not the worst thing, really. if i tried really really hard, I could probably do it. but it adds up. 200+400+50+300. I won't have $1000 to spend every month on bills alone. and then there's the whole... eating thing. with pj's help, we could probably get by alright. but do I really want to put that pressure on us? do i want my vroom vroom that badly?

let's see... i survived the week in Galloway without it. relatively ungrudgingly. a few sour moments, but nothing i couldn't handle. my weekdays would be... getting dropped off at countryside after my mom gets dropped off at work... trying to get picked up after work. probably waiting for my dad or pj to pick me up. and if they have jobs that keep them from that. well, then, I'm screwed, aren't i? and to think, I was hoping to come up to new brunswick weekends, if it were enough to keep me hired at the RUP. lol that is, if they want me. haha too shy to ask yet...
i could survive the summer w/o it. i just don't want to.
ugh... when I do this, I gotta do it right.
it makes sense to wait until I'm 21. cheaper insurance, would actually have money amassed to purchase a car outright, instead of monthly payment bullshit.

i need someone to tell me i can do this (or we can do this, if you're still in this with me babe). tell me, and mean it. show me how.

However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names.

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

home...

Home sweet home…or so I thought. Pulling into the driveway, I couldn't shake the feeling of other-ness, of non-belonging. Things were as I expected them to be. House looks… the same. Broken. Yard looks as dead and leaf-filled as I would have guessed. Snoop was not in the cage, not on the run, not on the porch, not in the house eagerly waiting for you to come up and pet him. That still gets me every time I reenter the driveway. He's been a part of this house for me for nearly as far back as I can remember, and his being gone is another piece that keeps "home" from being whole. Not that there aren't other changes, cosmetic changes, which I welcome whole-heartedly…
But the feel of the place has changed. Definitely.
I hoped I could somehow change it back this week I was here. Naiive. It takes more than one to tango. In this case, it would take at least 4…
But it's home. Being in the arms of my mom, being around the familiar fireplace, remembering what life was like before…
Seeing Absegami for the first time since I've graduated. Realizing so little has changed, being surprised at how far away those days now seem, how old I seem in comparison. Going to Wawa… mmm… Galloway Diner trips with the friends, poker nights with the family-in-law, working at Movie City, visiting Countryside… driving around in our beat-up car. Yeah, it's all a part of being home, haha.
Trying to figure out how I will survive this summer. My only idea is… by getting a car. By being free to enjoy the pieces of home that I love, when I want to. Being able to be alone when I want, be with family when I want, be with friends when I want… go to work on time w/o arguments, not waiting around to be picked up. YES. Car is necessary. Decided right now. Budget will be… no idea. Definitely under 8000. by May we'll have a 1500 down payment, and to pay the remaining 6500, or less. Well, over the span of a year, will not be a big deal at all, especially after we get our refund checks lol! Life… well, I'll be working my ass off again this summer, and hopefully working during the fall semester at Plangere and RUP.

In other news… I'm reading the Twilight series. I can now admit that since I finished Twilight in 2 days and am eager to get to New Moon. Haha, don't judge. Imagine being the first person to read the submitted Twilight manuscript and realizing that you have the next great young adult novel in your hands… helping Meyer edit and shape it until it’s the perfect book that’s made hundreds of thousands fall in love with vampires all over again. And you… falling in love with the printed pages in your hands. The way some people love cars, others love puppies, and others love that perfect gucci purse.

So, no, I am not among the many who fell for Edward Cullen. I guess b/c I already have my own irresistible guy that makes my heard pound at just the thought of being with him ;-). Lol but I did love the novel… not even going to lie. I thought it was a great, fun story, and that Stephenie found the perfect balance of authorship that kept from being too adult, too serious, and at the same time, not trite and trivial, not cliché and corny lol. Yeah… I'm glad I gave it a chance, it was a lot of fun. Reminded me of Lois Duncan actually, my favorite childhood author

Other than that, I've been surviving the break. Having a few wacked out dreams. One was about george reading minds lol, 2 of which were about rushed weddings that were called off at the last minute… am I afraid of that? Maybe? When people realize how long we've been together… most ask if we're getting married. Innocent enough. But others look down on my left ring finger, expectingly… and that kinda freaks me out. And I'm trying to analyze this… b/c it's not that the thought of marriage scares me. To think of spending the rest of forever with my sole mate, with that unshakable bond… well, what tops that really? I guess I just know that I'm yet not ready to enter that stage in my life… and I feel like 1/2 the world expects me to be. Soon, if not already. And I don't know if I'll ever find the balance between feeling too rushed and feeling too late…. Ugh. Fml.

… and its Thursday, and Im back to school on Monday. Back to trying to keep up and stressing out. Ugh. I just don't want to do it any more…. Not till I take awesome classes again. Fuck astronomy. Lol

video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQLD59fK_Iw

watch this video.... it blew my mind today...

choices

i am paralyzed by choices. Every day. and I didn't even realize it until recently. I see it everywhere: the woman who never redid her kitchen because she wasn't satisfied choosing a tile until she saw all the alternatives, the student who has taken classes and so many different fields because he couldn't decide on a major, and now has no head start in any subject when its time to choose his major, the me that can't decide whether to study astronomy or write, or stumble video, or read, or have some fun, and so just ends up sitting there, staring into space, thinking about all the other choices she'll have to make soon... what exactly should we do with that kitchen of ours, where should i apply for my summer 2010 internship, where should i live after i graduate, should i start volunteering with habitat again, should i start with ROAR, should i read invisible man and participate in that book club. should i apply elsewhere this summer or leave it to countryside and MC, should i go to church this week or not, when i should get married, when i should get a dog, kids, home, should i save for the car or buy that itouch or save for vacation, should i buy the blackjackII or a blackberry... everything, from the life-shaping to the menial and superficial, the choices, the chances for changes... they overwhelm my thoughts. I think, and think, and think, and get nearly nowhere, out of fear that I am making the wrong choices. and worse, overwhelmed in these thoughts, I do nothing. I don't study, i don't write, i don't read, (i usually have fun haha), too many choices for color and material, so many factors of cost and satisfaction that i don't know how to help with our kitchen remodeling, i never buy my itouch, i hesitate to buy a car, i never email habitat for the build dates, i never call my aunt to take me to church, i never pick up invisible man, and before i know it, the dates have past, my time is up and now i have to wonder if by not-acting i made the right choice. and then i beat myself up all over again.

when i started talking to the hubby about this last night, he asked me an important question: well, how else would i want it to be? would i want less choices, would i want more things definite and absolute? absolutely not.

I love the choices I get to make. and when I finally make a solid choice, i'm more proud of myself and more satisfied in the long run than if i hadn't had such a tough time making it. for example, i've decided that I really want to try a career in publishing. and for the next 4 years or so, that's absolutely my goal. once its tried, however, i may need a new goal haha but, the point is... after years of trying to figure out what path i want to take, always coming up with something that was a good decision, but that i felt lacked a certain something, i finally found that certain something... and because of that, i am extremely happy with my choice. but on that same token, if 5 years into publishing, I realize that it's not for me, I would have felt that i wasted my 4 yrs prepping, and will start to wonder what i could have done differently to ensure better happiness. I'll then realize all the things I could have changed and would be upset, blaming the only person I could -- myself. luckily, i don't mind saying, oh well, and picking up with something new... but my satisfaction with my choice completely diminishes because there were tons of other paths i could have taken that I will now think could have been a better alternative.
or in more present terms... i love my school. love it. On weekends like this, where friday, I got to have a deeper look into the excitement of the publishing field at work, went out and grabbed bubble tea with a friend who i don't get to see as much as we'd like, went shopping with her afterwards, then came home to chill and later, party it up with my buddies, with saturday being beautiful weather, getting together with a group of interesting and intelligent students to write a play on the benches outside, enjoying the (almost) spring green, great weather, watching people play football, smelling the frats' bbq... mmmmm... all the while never leaving campus lol. get to look forward to a great class on monday, a writers at rutgers event on wednesday... and even amidst all the stress of midterms, times like these, I gotta love my school... all its charm, convenience and entertainment... (and the great education, lol). and when i reflect on all this, i give myself a pat on the back because I made a great choice. but when financial aid screws me over, when the thurs/fri/sat night party crowd pisses me off, when the busses make me late for my bullshit class, when communications doesn't offer a minor!, when the weather sucks ass and the campus looks like a frozen hell, haha, then i begin to think... what if i had only chosen somewhere different? and that takes away from the previous happiness.

so back to what I want, how would I want things to be different? the availability of choices, I can't complain about. The only thing I want to change is my paralysis involving it and the hit to satisfaction later, the buyers remorse, if you will...
I want to be faster, more sure, more content with my decisions.

i'm going to email habitat right now, im going to look into ROAR, I'm going to sit down and decide my gameplan for today.

... and yet, I'm still pretty bummed that I chose to write this instead of going to the gym. damn it.

between.lives