Brighter Days

Decided to change to a brighter template to reflect my recent shift in outlook, in happiness.
i'm not cured, but i'm healing. the symptoms are clearing, and in general, i'm blocking all the haze and focusing on the good. not caring as much about the problems and appreciating the blessings.
Outlook is everything. You can change your experiences wih outlook. it's all about perspective.

I feel like this has become a ritual to me... whenever something affects me I feel like i have to share that with the rest of you guys... even though it could all mean nothing to you.

So, Nicole asked "Who's Saul Williams to you? Why are you so excited?" lol and yeah, it's true, he's just one of many great poets out there that have touched my soul... but he was coming to Rutgers and I couldn't miss out.

First of all... the entire program was called "Drop Beats Not Bombs" and it was hosted by R.A.W. Rutgers against the war. a lot of the slams were politically or socially conscious, but not all. some were personal, some were just for fun. But almost 100% were good. They went on for about 2 hours before Saul even came up. we had a lot of groups represented and i'm sorry I can't remember them all, but my 4 favorite groups were Native Tongue, Verbal Mayhem, The Paper Project, and the Just Us league, as always. I think the paper project had a longer name than that, but i can't remember. they aren't an RU group, they are vets from the iraqi war, coming home confused, ashamed, and angry about the war. They are the only group that brought me on the verge of tears.

But anyway, saul williams began and went on for about 2 hrs. I think he read... 4 poems? 4-6 poems. though one he stopped half way through because it was a request though he didn't really remember it. But more than he recited, he talked. we talked, a 2 hour dialogue on everything from religion to college to marriage to food. haha and THAT was the best part.

Homeboy has too much insight. i wish everyone could have been there.
and it wasn't even that poetic-type insight, it was real, it was honest, it was raw haha.

we talked about the politics of religion, which should have been added as an addendum to my previous post... about how the institution of religion has gotten us all fucked up, fighting each other, excommunicating people, when so much of the Bible, so much of Christianity was altered by PEOPLE. with political interests, with a desire for control. So many people that follow the Bible don't know the Bible, not REALLY. choose not to look into the real reasons for our "Christian" holidays, or question why the Holy Trinity is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit... instead of Father, Mother, and Child... which would make more sense.Why is the female shut out of Christianity? and no, this was not some DaVinci code rampage, lol.

But we also talked about the loss of feminity of our lives. how feminine qualities have been shown as weak, when the feminine is needed for the balance in everyone. "not showing vulnerability does not prove strength. not showing vulnerability is a weakness. it'll make us fall, it'll make us fail".

Oh man... we talked about passion. About following your "calling". He told us ignore all the shit your parents, friends, and the whole damn institution tells you what's right, and find your own calling. lol. he thinks that doing this and that b/c that's where the money's at or security's at, or pride is at, will get us nowhere as a nation and a world. we will not learn to evolve, we won't grow, we won't find harmony, we won't get peace. but he had a point... we need to try to figure out what we are being called to do. And it may not always be what you want to do, or what you're interested in. Saul didn't want to be a poet...he wanted to be an actor... and went to school for law haha. he still doesn't call himself a poet. But to him, poetry it came naturally, and what's more is that he found that he could use it to evolve and become a better, clearer person. AND help others evolve and investigate their own circumstances. his poetry is simply "the residue of the work that he's doing on himself". FIND YOUR CALLING. and I would add that it's not even always the thing that you like to do, that makes u happy. it's more than that. there's a bigger picture out there. there's something you're supposed to do in this world, whether it's for yourself, for your family, or for the world.

He was asked... how does he deal with the fact that so many people seem to not care about anything... seem to not have a passion, but he argued that everyone is in some way willing and eager to learn, it just really varies what knowledge they're seeking. everyone can find a passion, people are natuarally good, they're not really apathetic. "think they're an asshole, approach them as an asshole, and that's what you'll get. Approach them as fucking Buddha that could teach you something great and you'll be surpised what you'll find out."

And where does he get his optimism from? haha. "You want to know the truth? Fuckin better diet and B vitamins" lol. but seriously, he truly believes that when you learn to care about what goes into you, you can really affect what comes out of you. be in tune with your body and notice how you feel after eating certain foods and then eat accordingly. it makes a world of difference.
And even not related to food... be aware of what you ingest. "People walk around listenin to a a bunch of crap, watchin a bunch of shit and then complain 'I can't seem to write a masterpiece'. Well, no shit... you're not taking in masterpieces how can you expect to produce masterpieces?" haha he's teaching a course right now and making his students go vegan for the semester... saying if you expect me to evaluate the shit that comes out of you, you gotta evaluate the shit that goes into you. haha. well, he didn't inspire me to go vegan, but he did make me realize that everytihng from food to the shows we watch on tv really do affect how we feel and how we are.

It was great to just be in the presence of someone who has so much of himself together. haha. someone asked him how he felt about all the problems in venezuela about this that and the third and he was like. "you know what man, honestly, I don't know! I'm too focused internally to worry about the outside world. it doens't mean that i don't care, it's just that i feel like everything will work itself out... that's where I'm at right now."

That's where I want to be. that's where i felt everyone wanted to be after he was done speaking. and i need to stop writing about this so i can move on with my day, he rambled so much and touched on so many things, but i'll iterate one last point. Someone asked him what advice he had for people trying to balance bills and the banalities of life with the realities of their dreams. and he said
"Fuck that, man, I pay my bills writing poems... no one can tell me that they can't do shit!"

haha. great times, great times.
:-)

I feel like an absolute mess.

Sitting alone upstairs in sweatpants and uncombed hair while the rain pours outside and my comp apps book is staring at me as if it wanted to say, "seriously, Carin? you're not getting this stuff?"

my brain just doesn't grasp the things it used to. i can still do things, i can still write a program, i can still do the accounting to balance it all out... but i never really understand what i'm doing anymore. I do without understanding the concepts behind things, the reasoning behind it all.

I wish this only applied to my courses. But instead, I spent yesterday falling in and out stages of breathing and hyperventilating, leaving my house in a rage then coming right back, laughing with Amy and then slamming my books down on my desk because I couldn't stand the frustration. Dizzy, disheartened, overwhelmed, tired, restless, my heart beating faster than I could think and my brain on the verge of a stroke.

And my soul... my soul is 10 steps below where it should be. Where it needs to be. And on request of Nicole, and since I can't seem to focus on studying, I will write my religious confusion post, haha.

Anyone who has talked religion with me in the past... oh... 7 years or so... would know I've always had a very open mind about things. How could there only be ONE "true" religion in a world of 6 billion people with many very substantiated belief systems? Why should I and my church be the only "right way"? And at the same time, my heart, mind, and soul, never once could doubt that there is a God, there is a Jesus, and there is a spiritual path we all need to strive towards. But in fact, I love parts of all religions and am a strong believer in the fact that they are all saying the same thing: be a good person.

But I guess that's what I've been struggling with for some time. Let's explore a few passages:

"Enter in by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter in by it.How narrow is the gate, and restricted is the way that leads to life! Few are those who find it." .... that's Matthew (chapter 7, verse 13-14) and then... the big one in Proverbs (14:12)

"There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death"

Repeat:

There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

A way that seems right but will lead to death.
Now, like I said, all religions are telling me to be a good person... and each attempts to define "good person" in their way that seems nearly impossible in this 21st century world with the desires and urges that are within us. It seems only right that we twist the rules around to fit our lives.

I guess, I should backtrack and explain the reason I'm reiterating this...
I think I'm a good person.
I help strangers, I try not to hurt people, I try to please my parents, I choose love over hate.
and yet, I twist the rules around: I drink, I smoke, I have sex, I curse, I don't pray on the regular, I don't believe everything the preacher tells me, I feel that religion gets in the way of spirituality, I don't understand why all the praise should go to God, I don't understand why I'm supposed to be a servant, why I should "give up my life", I don't understand why a god would put us on Earth just to fuck around with us and see if we're worthy of his heaven.

And then I repent, because inside I feel like I'm on the wrong path and I pray to God to FIND ME THAT PATH THAT DOESN'T LEAD TO DEATH! because it's not enough to be a good person. I want to be a better person. I want to believe everything. But the confusion in my mind, the confusion which I know is founded on good grounds, will never allow me. I pray for guidance.

And then... here's the biggie:
I ignore every bit of guidance that comes my way.

The voices in the head that tell me to stop, the feeling in my heart that tells me this isn't where I should be right now, the messages in church that seem to be talking to me directly, saying exactly what I need to hear to put me on the right path, I relish in for a while and then go back on the path that seem "right" enough to me...

Last week, A women randomly approached me as I was half reading, half going over and over in my head about how I need guidance in my life, a step away from all the things holding me down, someone to encourage me and help me change for the better. And while my heart was heavy this woman started talking to me in her broken English about this bible study organization that she's in where people are paired up for one-on-one discussion sessions about the Bible and how it all applies to our daily lives. She told me I could find any time, any place that was convenient for me and she would set something up. She was not asking for donations, not even a commitment, just a general... tell me where and when and you can begin the journey for a better life.

And what did I do? I took her pamphlet, thanked her for what she was doing, told her it was a wonderful organization and that I would definitely think about it, and after she said that she would be there at the same time in the same place next week in case I'm ready, I left. And never called, and never planned to go.

I literally heard God in my head screaming " WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? " I've been praying for a sign, something to straighten me up, and I got it, and turned away.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This week, at the time I was supposed to meet with her, I was in the same place, the same time only I decided to just eat instead.

The decisions I make on the daily make me hate myself.
I know I'm better than what I settle for for myself and yet I cannot seem to break away.

I feel like I really have to leave and get away from my self for awhile just so I can keep choosing love over hate, Life over Death.

And what's worse is that I should be happy. I should have nothing to complain about. Life has been good to me. I'm a damn ungrateful fool.

i need a change in my life.
this 5-day vacation away from my life was a taste of clarity. too short because i didn't quite reach it.
But to come home to drunk and high people playing pong and eating chinese food made me realize that this just isn't where i'm at right now and yet being here always sucks me in.

i need a change in my life.
who wants to join me?

I hate that this is going to be a quick post simply because I know i'll never get around to actually writing this the way I want to. :-(

Now, everyone knows i hated the celebrity that Obama was getting and the over-obsessed talk about race but i need to say: WE HAVE A (half) BLACK PRESIDENT YA'LL! and i will admit, i nearly cried when someone said, "Parks sat so King could walk, King walked so Obama could run, Obama ran so our kids could FLY." As a people... as any people, as the American people, we have a role model-- we have a family man, we have a religious man, we have a well-spoken intelligent man, we have a man of mixed race, that represents the diversity of this country, we have a man who has hope and spreads that hope to all of us. WE CAN FLY.

and as he says... THIS IS FOR EVERYONE! to see how he has gotten young people involved, has gotten every race interested and excited, has started to bring this country together and realize that we're all in this together is cause for celebrity. it is. maybe not being on the cover of every magazine and the subject of every talk show, and the idolization of millions of "fans", but it absolutely is. not only has he made history and showed minorities that they could really do anything, but he is bringing a fresh face to politics and to the nation.

Yes, voting for him was a risk. Yes, he can twist truths with his words. Yes, his intelligence is above the general population and maybe he can't understand "real people". But wouldn't we rather risk failing to achieve greatness instead of settling for comfortable mediocracy? Wouldn't we rather have someone who has power over language enough to compromise, to make himself and our nation likable? ;-) lol.

What can I say? I'm ecstatic to see what his presence as the head of our nation will do for us internally as well as for our diplomacy. He has so much riding on him, and an insane workload that will be presented to him on day negative 100. haha. GOOD LUCK PRESIDENT OBAMA! it should be an interesting 4-8 years.

It's crazy how my grandparents grew up not being able to sit in the same seats, go to the same schools, live in the same neighborhoods as white people without being harassed, potentially arrested, and always, always treated as inferior while my grandkids won't understand this concept of inferiority and segregation because it will seem ridiculous to think that they would not be considered people, too. or at least people with the same rights and needs.

i.love.it.

Now, this is not how i wanted this entry to go. for 3 weeks, i've been wanting and needing to talk about the religious confusion that i face on the daily, and only say a congratulations for Obama and for the people. but obviously, that's not what happened so the religion will have to wait. don't want to overwhelm ya'll.