RIP

... I wonder how my dog lived, how he felt, what he thought of all of us. While he was sick, I always thought that he was ready to leave this place, but I never wanted my parents to put him to sleep. He passed naturally...

I have so many regrets about never being close to my dogs. I hope I'll never feel that regret again. I want to do it right next time.

I just hope he's happier there than here...

Rest In Peace Snoop.

Testimony 1:

These are the things that change relationships.
The things that relationships are made out of:
Trust, security, love, compassion, respect, understanding.
These are the things that, when compromised, when ignored, when threatened, when brought into a new light, make the relationship compromised, ignored, threatened, and brought into a new light.

My boyfriend is in the middle of writing an amazing discourse about a multitude of things but the one that this reminds me of is the idea that we can't know who we are except by comparing it to what we are not.
We can have one idea about what our relationships are, but we can never really know until we realize everything that it is not. Thus, when these things of which relationships are made of are compromised, ignored, threatened, and brought into a new light, that's when we really realize what that relationship is made out of, solidly.

I guess my last post and this one stems from a place of pure confusion. Genuine questions about the dysfunctionality of relationships. In a country where more than half of marriages end in divorce, and far more than that are unhappy, we have to question where the hell everything went wrong. I mean, I have my own theories, but that's not what this post is about. My questions are more about relationships in general. About how we allow detrimental relationships in our lives, why we love others more than ourselves (or at least, do more for others than we'd ever do for ourselves and put others wants and needs above our own), and why people turn on each other when a relationship one believes in is criticized by the other.
And unlike said boyfriend, I don't have the balls to sit down and really try to find the answers.

I guess "in short, I was afraid"… stealing a line from my favorite poem… because really trying to figure out where this dysfunctionality stems from could lead me to discover truths that I'd probably be happier not knowing lol.

Trust. How far does your trust go in me? I usually label everyone I meet trustworthy until I have reasonable cause to think otherwise. But true trust… like I'm going to tell you a secret that I want you to keep to yourself, but if you feel the need to tell someone else, I trust that you're only doing it for good… like if you tell me that I shouldn't do thing A and that I should do thing B, I'll believe that you're right… like I know that you would never betray me… that kind of trust, only comes with the other 5: security, love, compassion, respect, and understanding.

They all feed off of each other in that way. Which makes me wonder… what happens when one is lacking? When one is compromised, or ignored? If you do something that shows that you don't respect me, my understanding of you will fail, my trust in you will be destroyed, my compassion for you will dwindle and I will never feel secure with you.

That being said, the only essence I don't include is love. Intangible and weakly defined, love… be it an outside force, an inward feeling, a state of being or an action… love surpasses all things… all limits, all logic… and so, we can love without any of the other components of a relationship.

So that’s it then, huh? Love is what makes relationships dysfunctional? Lol. Well that doesn't explain why people stay in relationships that lack love. Maybe if a relationship lacks in love but has trust, security, respect and understanding, it's worth keeping.

But what about ones that lack love, lack compassion, lack respect, lack understanding? The ones that leave you insecure, where you can't even trust that you will be kept safe? Can a relationship survive then? My fear is that it can. That it does…

And then society needs to be brought into the equation. Society makes it so that people feel as if there is something wrong with them if they are not in a relationship. Makes it so that getting out of a bad marriage could label you as a bad mother, as going against your religion, as ruining the family unit. Makes you not feel complete unless you, ironically, agree to be only half of a unit.

Ahh… you see, I've trailed off. Because this topic is too damn complicated and involved.

I guess I'm just hoping writing will help me discover, because the confusion is leaving me unsettled and what I know now is tearing me apart. So many relationships in my life and around me are being brought into new lights. My ideas of them are being threatened and refuted by recent actions, making me realize what they really are, by realizing what they are not.

Only about 15% are in a good way.
Luckily… one is with the one I live with happily, day in and day out, right by my side.

DOES IT REALLY HAVE TO BE THIS FUCKING COMPLICATED?

well, yeah, of course it does...

I feel dizzy, I'm about to start hyperventilating and I don't even know if writing will help.

It's so strange how things affect your mood so drastically. I had a GREAT day Valentine's Day, Sunday was pretty awesome b/c we watched a Monk marathon most of the day, went over about 60% of what will be on my exam tomorrow, got a fat sandwich, Tata's pizza, had some green, haha you know... felt like a regular ol' college student, hangin out with my boys and just do what we're supposed to do at this age: study and hang out. it was wonderful.

The morning comes and I'm not even mad that I gotta wake up at 8 to shower, wash and blowdry my hair before work. i like work. a lot. i look forward to it. and in those 8 small hours that I work each week, I forget that I'm a just-turned-20-yr-old who's still trying to shape her life... during those hours, I'm useful, needed, wanted, and respected. people apologize to me for going into "my" workspace, interrupting me as if I had any authority in that place lol. I'm getting familiar with the people and the building and what's more is that I like what I do. I don't mind (usually) doing it for hours... i'd take it home if I could...plus I feel like I'm actually doing something productive, which I never used to get in my regular 20 hr a week part time customer service jobs.
and... i went home and had tuna wraps, and went to my only class of the day, Issues in Religious Thought, taught my the genius Dr. James W Jones... class mind fucked me again, wanted to blog about it when I got home...
instead, went upstairs and chilled with the girls for a while and ended up reading my email.

and everything went south.

i honestly don't understand. I don't fucking understand. I just don't get it.

fuck... i can't even get into it anymore.

soon, soon... when i can breathe again

cupid only misses sometimes...

what a day, what a day :-)

from midnight-->like 5:30 am the next day, haha wtf?

*how would our lives be different if we actually considered the start of each day at midnight, instead of whenever we wake up from our 8 hr sleep? ya know? If life were continuous and we just took naps in between to keep our energy up? I think that's what like einstein or newton or one of those old geniuses did*

anyway, this post is for 2 purposes: to respond to all the posts i read on blogger and xanga this morning and for a personal reminder of what was...i would say... the best valentine's day I've ever had :-)

Why was it the best ever? I dunno darlings... everything just seems to be better these days. I'm a happier person, and the relationship my love and I have seems to be growing and blossoming exponentially through the years... I think it was that starting part that made everything so wonderful...
well, we've never been big vday people... we save our extravagant and special dates for our anniversaries. I think it's been a weekday for most of our relationship anyway....
but we took advantage of this Saturday. our first valentine's living together... I really think that made all the difference.
we decided what we'd do this year at a trip to walmart! lol we saw frozen shrimp and frozen salmon filets and we decided to have a nice dinner at home. so, I decided to take it a step further, and have a candlelit picnic (indoors!) in the privacy of our own room. so while he was cooking, I ran downstiars, cleaned everything up, laid out a blanket, added design, lit pink+while candles to contrast the deep red and illuminate our dining area, sprinkled rose petals strategically, put on a romantic playlist of our favorite songs that i tried to make without his knowledge throughout the day lol and closed the door till we came down with the food. he knew that we were having a candlelit picnic, but he had no idea how nice it would be lol; he was pleasantly surprised at my decor ;-). and omg... the food... we had shrimp cocktail as an appetizer, teriyaki salmon on a bed of garlic mashed potatoes, and sides of buttery asparagus and garlic/pepper spinach! all my favorites! with a bottle of pinot grigio. it was sooo good... we were sooo full. but we worked some of it off later! lol!
so why midnight-->5:30? well at mightnight, we partied, just the two of us! lol, that was fun. then, not tired yet, we watched "thick as thieves" which was pretty awesome, and then "marley and me" which made me cry and spurned the idea for what we did after we took like a 4 hr nap after the movies... shopped for a camcorder!!!!! I've been wanting one for quite a while, but never felt that it was worth spending the money on (i never think anything is, really lol). but I really want some way to truly record our memories from this point forward... I want home videos... I want to look back and see RU in the early 2000s lol, see our first place, laugh at our best friends... you know, the good stuff. and to let go of the guilt i always have for purchasing for myself, the bf bought it as a gift! a belated b-day/vday gift lol. b/c "babe, it'll be FINE if I don't save up rent until the end of 2010. it's OKAY to spend it now, we'll always find a way to make it back," lol! thank you for that, honey! it took quite a while to find "the one" lol. i wanted a built-in flip out usb with integrated software for editing and uploading to make life easier for me, as well as rechargable batteries, 2 gig internal memory and of course, a good price... he wanted HD w/HDMI cables, a bigger screen, and expandable memory lol... and we ended up with one with all that plus bonus features like a swivel-out screen for self-shooting, a still shot 5.0 mp, and double the zoom as the other camcorders we were looking at. very happy about the buy :-D. it's an RCA EZ300HD Small Wonder, in case you're interested. I'm uber-excited!
anyway, to sum up the day, we napped after we ate until about 1:00am... chilled out, had mad acid reflux so walked to easton deli to get gingerale and water at 3 in the morning lol, came back and watched "doubt" which was another great movie.

anyway, I wanted to address all the bitterness surrounding this day. first and foremost, the holiday is not a big deal, it's not entirely necessary, it just gives people an opportunity to express love in a way that would probably be awkward and too cheesy if they tried to approach their spouse/SO/friend that way on a normal, stressful workday where there are a million other things on that persons mind than love. idk... i guess im biased b/c i never cared much about the holiday even when i was single. i never hated the reminder b/c im kinda a really romantic person and appreciate that feature in others whenever i see it. but the other bitterness I find is when people expect something for the day and don't get it. I definitely get that. when the bf isn't living up to your romantic dreams, it's easy to get frustrated... my suggestion is: think about what you want for the day, think about what he wants for the day, and you plan something that fits into both. example, pj would have had a hard time coming up with the romantic evening I planned lol, and because I had a vision and didnt want to be disappointed, I made that vision happen. It was the most romantic setting we've probably ever been in and it was all in our own room lol. you take him away, blow him away, and you'll probably have a great time doing it. in the end, you get a wonderful date and 2 very happy people :-) and who knows, maybe it'll inspire him to do it for you next year.
everybody deserves someone to express their appreciation for them... men as well as women... don't expect him to go all-out this one day if you two don't go semi-all-out for each other on other days. make it about the 2 of you and your relationship, not what other people are doing, not what you see in the movies... and if you don't have a valentine, ask someone to be yours! a friend, a family member, or even (gasp!) a crush lol
anyway... if i gather more interesting arguments, i'll post something a little more interesting: stockholm's syndrome in relationships... is it just our natural humanity and capacity for love that allows us to sympathize and care about people who do us wrong, or is something more dangerous? got the idea off a datingish post about why we let people back into our lives when they will probably hurt us again. I think we're all guilty of this in some degree at some point. i'm just trying to figure out why.

now, I gotta study. sucks. lol

I am only a perfectionist in 2 parts of my life:
writing and decorating.
what.the.fuck?

everything else is motivation-deficient.

I guess I'm a writing addict....

So, I'm a complete freak and I can't stop writing till I get this second thing out of my head.
... I hope this cures me.

So, unless you haven't been paying attention, you already know that I think I found my calling in the field of publishing, haha but since you know me, you also know that I change my "calling" about as much as I change some aspect of my room... but guys... this one feels different. I'm willing to limit myself to basing my career in NYC. and some of you may think that's a crazy comment. limiting myself to arguably, the greatest metro in the U.S. haha, but that was never me. Working in the city was never my thing... and now I'm trying to adjust to the idea... planning as usual... trying to minimize commute and costs and all that...
and no, I'm not crazyy, planning far too in advance... b/c if things go as I hope, I'm spending Summer 2010 interning somewhere in NYC. and since I already know where I'm living now till May 2011... lol, the logical next step is to atleast contemplate what town I should be searching for 2 yrs from now.
ok, maybe I'm a little crazy. :-)

anyway, yet again... not the post I was trying to write. Nicole said she had some questions about my job and about the publishing career in general, and I thought Jane would be interested in what I've learned so far and so maybe others would be interested too... So, let's see.

What I've learned about publishing in the past week:

--There will always be more to learn. Like shit! There's a lot of things that go into the production of a book. I dunno, I always had this romantic idea of the book editors and publishers. Like an author submitted work to their editor who would edit it and then try to get a publisher to publish it and if the publisher liked it, there were more edits and stuff and then out it went.. yeah, it's nowhere near that simple. For example, at the RUP, just to decide if a book should be published, it goes through 3 meetings. It's like Congress, haha. There's acquisitions departments, art departments, marketing departments, final binding/publishing departments, there's editorial, and pre-press production, production managers, and of course, the exec managers themselves, there's the people in finance and project budgeting, the project overseerers, the cover-designers, the typographers/in-book designers. A crazy team all working together to make a single book perfect, and then a hundred books perfect, and then a million books perfect. lol.
--It can be fascinating as easily as it can be boring. For example, on day 1, I spent 3 hours going through proofs of this book about sexually abusive relationships, forced unwanted sex, divorce rape, forced group sex and women being forced into making porn... call me sick, but it was fascinating, and well-written... filled with so many personal accounts and stories and advice... great stuff. Though I was only supposed to check for technical errors and design issues, I took every opportunity to read a little more than i was supposed to ;-) hehe. and then today, I spent 2 hours acutally having to READ a book about flight. flight. like the technicalities of flight. written by someone clearly extremely intelligent, but not that great of a writer. ugh. that's why I want to get into fiction, lol.
--There's a lot of tedious tasks. Things need to be exact, perfect, before a book goes out... and it has to go out on its deadline. you have to be meticulous, patient, and never lazy... can't miss a beat.
--Seeing a book go from its original concept to the final product on the shelf is exciting! even if it is a book about flight haha.
--Books are being published everywhere, all the time. Academic books, specialized books, and new, kinda out-there, books are published all across the country. However, a good chunk of the books we all know and love are published by Penguin or Random House... even if the spine doesn't say Penguin or Random House, haha. these 2 mega-companies tend to eat up other publishing companies and put them under their name... they also create these new sub-companies for specialized fields/books. I want to work at one of these 2 because of the simple joy of walking down the street, seeing someone reading a book and thinking... yeah that's one of ours ;-)... to be working for the publisher that published all my favorite classic books and kids lit. But luckily, unless they've become a freak like me, most people dont pay attention to the publisher of a book everytime they pick one up... so with the right authors, right artists, right marketing, and right staff... anyone in book publishing has the potential for success.
--Book publishing is not something you can just learn in books ( ironically ). it is not something to take classes on. The best way to actually understand it is to see it in action. There's tons of publishing internships out there. try to grab one and learn a little. But if that's not what you want to do...if you're bolder than me and follow your passion right away... GO YOU! Just do your research as much as you can... learn the economic cycle of the book industry, learn what sells, search out freelancers... plenty of people with great skills looking to help... and ask questions... from anyone and everyone who might have some insight. You'll learn as you go, and someday, you'll be the next PENGUIN! :-D

.... to be continued.

Who ARE you?

REALLY should be reading, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head, and so blogging might help me refocus.

Had my mind-fuck class today... "Issues in Religious Thought" aka "The Philosophy of Religion" aka "I'm here to fuck with your mind" haha. But in all seriousness, I love that class! The first non-lit course that I loved. 2.5 hours feels like nothing there... I'm actually kinda sad that next week's class is canceled. So not the point I wanted to get at.

We went into a lot today. Hegel, Feurbach, Nietzche, Sartre, and Keikegaard. All of whom were fascinating. But today, I want to talk about Sartre.

His philosophy centered around the idea that there's no "a priori"... that there's nothing given, nothing fixed... about our lives. There's no greater essence that controls the world, there's no higher purpose that we need to search for, because it is existence, not essence, that matters, and we create our purposes through our actions. In a way, Sartre's view of human nature is sort of like Locke's... we start as a blank slate; there's no fixedness about our natures. However, Sartre would never allow for the idea that who we then become can be attributed to our environment because he believed that we are always in the position to choose. We and we alone choose who we are by the decisions that we ourselves make. Who we are in this and all moments is because of our actions in this and all moments. The "self" is a project that we work on, decision after decision, shaping who we are.
What's even more interesting, however, is that he believed that since nothing is fixed, since there is no reality except in action, we cannot be a brave person, we cannot be a kind person, we cannot be malicious. We can only do brave acts, act kindly upon another, do malicious things... but after every action, we start from scratch. We can be one thing today and another tomorrow.

So there's 2 things about that that have been haunting my head...

We create who we are by the decisions that we make.
-and-
"Who we are" is so fleeting, so impermanent, that the next action that we decide to make can completely alter our "selves".

What does that mean for me?
Sunday, I'm a Christian... and occasionally a football fan
Monday, I'm a hardworking, motivated, willing to do anything I need to, go-getting intern
Tuesday, I'm a college student that couldn't give a shit in 2 of my classes, is a bold and interesting in another, and half-tries in another.
...and the list goes on.
Suddenly the kind person that spent the summer helping 70-year-olds do chair exercises, has turned rebel/hippie/bad-ass... clouded in things that are bad enough for me that I know I'll regret it when I'm 70, trying to do chair exercises. The hard-working intern turns complete slacker, the loving girlfriend turns to the bitchy friend. So who the hell am I?

And what does that mean for you? How do you define yourself?

We can be one thing one day and something completely opposite the next. Just imagine how different this world would be if everyday you thought... what kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to be known in this world? How do I want to see myself?... If every day, every decision that you made were grounded on these thoughts... how many more great things would you do? Who would you spend your time with? How would you act towards them? What shit that you know is bad for you would you finally kick out of your life? How much more would you accomplish... or how much more fun would you have?

Who would you choose to be?

All of these philosophies go so much deeper and have many more implications, but I don't want to mind-fuck you too ;-).
Happy contemplating.