Quote of the Day

It is a painful thing to look at your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made it.

Sophocles (496 BC-406 BC)

Watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition always, always, always makes me cry. At least 3 times.
I think it is the most beautiful thing... giving people a beautiful and functional place to live, making home a haven that they never imagined their finances could afford. The show's over and I want to cry again.

It's inspiring.... the whole "you may encounter many defeats, but do not be defeated" thing.

As life's moving faster and we're having more responsibilities, more people depending on us, more of us depending on ourselves, we're encountering more and more defeats. But we need to realize that we can still grow from them, can still come out of it all.

A lot of these days are heartbreaking, but what more can we do but try to make good out of our situations? I hope everyone has a happy holidays... you may not have gifts to give or receive, you may not even have a home to put a tree up, but enjoy it with the people you love, that love you.

I love all of you. Thank you for your love.

Blog About It

Let's see if this makes any sense in the morning

i wanna be the kinda writa
that a sista can aspira to a
perfect compilation of the
twisted plans she's makin and
i just wanna be the kind of love
that makes you want to see above
the broken lines of hungry lust
that twist inside your needing lungs...

I just wanna inspire
The fire
Within

And I don't want to expire
The desire
in sin

No, that stopped making sense 14 hours ago.
But maybe you'll get it.
Maybe you'll see.

I feel like I've been neglecting my clarity. Clarity comes to me through writing. Notes, poems, entries, checklists... it's all the same to me. The written word is the only way for me to sort out the jumbled mush in my brain.

So, I decided... about 5 minutes ago... that I would set some goals for me. Here and now so that I can always look back and.... realize how I've failed them. haha. I guess this is along the lines of resolutions... a little early.

1) Budget my money better. I know I can be more frugal. I'm not a big spender as is... but I could deny that gyro I'm craving when my hunger could be just as easily satisfied with a tuna sandwich made at home. I could give myself an allowance so I know exactly where my money's going when. It's kinda shocking when you realize how much money you spend a month on food.

2) I still don't think "eating right" is a plausible goal for me right now. What I'm more interested in is cleansing my system. Everyday I just feel like I have so much shit in me and it just weighs me down and feel like crap. So, i'm guessing this would entail drinking more water, eating more whole grains, getting better digestive health, sweating out some toxins and trying one of those herbal detoxers. I'm tired of feeling so sloth-y.

3) READ MORE! just to keep up with my classes... but hopefully also to discover some new loves ;-)

4) get back my creative edge. write more, play more guitar, do more scrapbooking, do more designing... just get it back, somehow.

5) get on a good financial track. with an income and everything ;-). this one may take awhile...


that's pretty much it :-). not too impossible

Brighter Days

Decided to change to a brighter template to reflect my recent shift in outlook, in happiness.
i'm not cured, but i'm healing. the symptoms are clearing, and in general, i'm blocking all the haze and focusing on the good. not caring as much about the problems and appreciating the blessings.
Outlook is everything. You can change your experiences wih outlook. it's all about perspective.

I feel like this has become a ritual to me... whenever something affects me I feel like i have to share that with the rest of you guys... even though it could all mean nothing to you.

So, Nicole asked "Who's Saul Williams to you? Why are you so excited?" lol and yeah, it's true, he's just one of many great poets out there that have touched my soul... but he was coming to Rutgers and I couldn't miss out.

First of all... the entire program was called "Drop Beats Not Bombs" and it was hosted by R.A.W. Rutgers against the war. a lot of the slams were politically or socially conscious, but not all. some were personal, some were just for fun. But almost 100% were good. They went on for about 2 hours before Saul even came up. we had a lot of groups represented and i'm sorry I can't remember them all, but my 4 favorite groups were Native Tongue, Verbal Mayhem, The Paper Project, and the Just Us league, as always. I think the paper project had a longer name than that, but i can't remember. they aren't an RU group, they are vets from the iraqi war, coming home confused, ashamed, and angry about the war. They are the only group that brought me on the verge of tears.

But anyway, saul williams began and went on for about 2 hrs. I think he read... 4 poems? 4-6 poems. though one he stopped half way through because it was a request though he didn't really remember it. But more than he recited, he talked. we talked, a 2 hour dialogue on everything from religion to college to marriage to food. haha and THAT was the best part.

Homeboy has too much insight. i wish everyone could have been there.
and it wasn't even that poetic-type insight, it was real, it was honest, it was raw haha.

we talked about the politics of religion, which should have been added as an addendum to my previous post... about how the institution of religion has gotten us all fucked up, fighting each other, excommunicating people, when so much of the Bible, so much of Christianity was altered by PEOPLE. with political interests, with a desire for control. So many people that follow the Bible don't know the Bible, not REALLY. choose not to look into the real reasons for our "Christian" holidays, or question why the Holy Trinity is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit... instead of Father, Mother, and Child... which would make more sense.Why is the female shut out of Christianity? and no, this was not some DaVinci code rampage, lol.

But we also talked about the loss of feminity of our lives. how feminine qualities have been shown as weak, when the feminine is needed for the balance in everyone. "not showing vulnerability does not prove strength. not showing vulnerability is a weakness. it'll make us fall, it'll make us fail".

Oh man... we talked about passion. About following your "calling". He told us ignore all the shit your parents, friends, and the whole damn institution tells you what's right, and find your own calling. lol. he thinks that doing this and that b/c that's where the money's at or security's at, or pride is at, will get us nowhere as a nation and a world. we will not learn to evolve, we won't grow, we won't find harmony, we won't get peace. but he had a point... we need to try to figure out what we are being called to do. And it may not always be what you want to do, or what you're interested in. Saul didn't want to be a poet...he wanted to be an actor... and went to school for law haha. he still doesn't call himself a poet. But to him, poetry it came naturally, and what's more is that he found that he could use it to evolve and become a better, clearer person. AND help others evolve and investigate their own circumstances. his poetry is simply "the residue of the work that he's doing on himself". FIND YOUR CALLING. and I would add that it's not even always the thing that you like to do, that makes u happy. it's more than that. there's a bigger picture out there. there's something you're supposed to do in this world, whether it's for yourself, for your family, or for the world.

He was asked... how does he deal with the fact that so many people seem to not care about anything... seem to not have a passion, but he argued that everyone is in some way willing and eager to learn, it just really varies what knowledge they're seeking. everyone can find a passion, people are natuarally good, they're not really apathetic. "think they're an asshole, approach them as an asshole, and that's what you'll get. Approach them as fucking Buddha that could teach you something great and you'll be surpised what you'll find out."

And where does he get his optimism from? haha. "You want to know the truth? Fuckin better diet and B vitamins" lol. but seriously, he truly believes that when you learn to care about what goes into you, you can really affect what comes out of you. be in tune with your body and notice how you feel after eating certain foods and then eat accordingly. it makes a world of difference.
And even not related to food... be aware of what you ingest. "People walk around listenin to a a bunch of crap, watchin a bunch of shit and then complain 'I can't seem to write a masterpiece'. Well, no shit... you're not taking in masterpieces how can you expect to produce masterpieces?" haha he's teaching a course right now and making his students go vegan for the semester... saying if you expect me to evaluate the shit that comes out of you, you gotta evaluate the shit that goes into you. haha. well, he didn't inspire me to go vegan, but he did make me realize that everytihng from food to the shows we watch on tv really do affect how we feel and how we are.

It was great to just be in the presence of someone who has so much of himself together. haha. someone asked him how he felt about all the problems in venezuela about this that and the third and he was like. "you know what man, honestly, I don't know! I'm too focused internally to worry about the outside world. it doens't mean that i don't care, it's just that i feel like everything will work itself out... that's where I'm at right now."

That's where I want to be. that's where i felt everyone wanted to be after he was done speaking. and i need to stop writing about this so i can move on with my day, he rambled so much and touched on so many things, but i'll iterate one last point. Someone asked him what advice he had for people trying to balance bills and the banalities of life with the realities of their dreams. and he said
"Fuck that, man, I pay my bills writing poems... no one can tell me that they can't do shit!"

haha. great times, great times.
:-)

I feel like an absolute mess.

Sitting alone upstairs in sweatpants and uncombed hair while the rain pours outside and my comp apps book is staring at me as if it wanted to say, "seriously, Carin? you're not getting this stuff?"

my brain just doesn't grasp the things it used to. i can still do things, i can still write a program, i can still do the accounting to balance it all out... but i never really understand what i'm doing anymore. I do without understanding the concepts behind things, the reasoning behind it all.

I wish this only applied to my courses. But instead, I spent yesterday falling in and out stages of breathing and hyperventilating, leaving my house in a rage then coming right back, laughing with Amy and then slamming my books down on my desk because I couldn't stand the frustration. Dizzy, disheartened, overwhelmed, tired, restless, my heart beating faster than I could think and my brain on the verge of a stroke.

And my soul... my soul is 10 steps below where it should be. Where it needs to be. And on request of Nicole, and since I can't seem to focus on studying, I will write my religious confusion post, haha.

Anyone who has talked religion with me in the past... oh... 7 years or so... would know I've always had a very open mind about things. How could there only be ONE "true" religion in a world of 6 billion people with many very substantiated belief systems? Why should I and my church be the only "right way"? And at the same time, my heart, mind, and soul, never once could doubt that there is a God, there is a Jesus, and there is a spiritual path we all need to strive towards. But in fact, I love parts of all religions and am a strong believer in the fact that they are all saying the same thing: be a good person.

But I guess that's what I've been struggling with for some time. Let's explore a few passages:

"Enter in by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter in by it.How narrow is the gate, and restricted is the way that leads to life! Few are those who find it." .... that's Matthew (chapter 7, verse 13-14) and then... the big one in Proverbs (14:12)

"There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death"

Repeat:

There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

A way that seems right but will lead to death.
Now, like I said, all religions are telling me to be a good person... and each attempts to define "good person" in their way that seems nearly impossible in this 21st century world with the desires and urges that are within us. It seems only right that we twist the rules around to fit our lives.

I guess, I should backtrack and explain the reason I'm reiterating this...
I think I'm a good person.
I help strangers, I try not to hurt people, I try to please my parents, I choose love over hate.
and yet, I twist the rules around: I drink, I smoke, I have sex, I curse, I don't pray on the regular, I don't believe everything the preacher tells me, I feel that religion gets in the way of spirituality, I don't understand why all the praise should go to God, I don't understand why I'm supposed to be a servant, why I should "give up my life", I don't understand why a god would put us on Earth just to fuck around with us and see if we're worthy of his heaven.

And then I repent, because inside I feel like I'm on the wrong path and I pray to God to FIND ME THAT PATH THAT DOESN'T LEAD TO DEATH! because it's not enough to be a good person. I want to be a better person. I want to believe everything. But the confusion in my mind, the confusion which I know is founded on good grounds, will never allow me. I pray for guidance.

And then... here's the biggie:
I ignore every bit of guidance that comes my way.

The voices in the head that tell me to stop, the feeling in my heart that tells me this isn't where I should be right now, the messages in church that seem to be talking to me directly, saying exactly what I need to hear to put me on the right path, I relish in for a while and then go back on the path that seem "right" enough to me...

Last week, A women randomly approached me as I was half reading, half going over and over in my head about how I need guidance in my life, a step away from all the things holding me down, someone to encourage me and help me change for the better. And while my heart was heavy this woman started talking to me in her broken English about this bible study organization that she's in where people are paired up for one-on-one discussion sessions about the Bible and how it all applies to our daily lives. She told me I could find any time, any place that was convenient for me and she would set something up. She was not asking for donations, not even a commitment, just a general... tell me where and when and you can begin the journey for a better life.

And what did I do? I took her pamphlet, thanked her for what she was doing, told her it was a wonderful organization and that I would definitely think about it, and after she said that she would be there at the same time in the same place next week in case I'm ready, I left. And never called, and never planned to go.

I literally heard God in my head screaming " WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? " I've been praying for a sign, something to straighten me up, and I got it, and turned away.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This week, at the time I was supposed to meet with her, I was in the same place, the same time only I decided to just eat instead.

The decisions I make on the daily make me hate myself.
I know I'm better than what I settle for for myself and yet I cannot seem to break away.

I feel like I really have to leave and get away from my self for awhile just so I can keep choosing love over hate, Life over Death.

And what's worse is that I should be happy. I should have nothing to complain about. Life has been good to me. I'm a damn ungrateful fool.

i need a change in my life.
this 5-day vacation away from my life was a taste of clarity. too short because i didn't quite reach it.
But to come home to drunk and high people playing pong and eating chinese food made me realize that this just isn't where i'm at right now and yet being here always sucks me in.

i need a change in my life.
who wants to join me?

I hate that this is going to be a quick post simply because I know i'll never get around to actually writing this the way I want to. :-(

Now, everyone knows i hated the celebrity that Obama was getting and the over-obsessed talk about race but i need to say: WE HAVE A (half) BLACK PRESIDENT YA'LL! and i will admit, i nearly cried when someone said, "Parks sat so King could walk, King walked so Obama could run, Obama ran so our kids could FLY." As a people... as any people, as the American people, we have a role model-- we have a family man, we have a religious man, we have a well-spoken intelligent man, we have a man of mixed race, that represents the diversity of this country, we have a man who has hope and spreads that hope to all of us. WE CAN FLY.

and as he says... THIS IS FOR EVERYONE! to see how he has gotten young people involved, has gotten every race interested and excited, has started to bring this country together and realize that we're all in this together is cause for celebrity. it is. maybe not being on the cover of every magazine and the subject of every talk show, and the idolization of millions of "fans", but it absolutely is. not only has he made history and showed minorities that they could really do anything, but he is bringing a fresh face to politics and to the nation.

Yes, voting for him was a risk. Yes, he can twist truths with his words. Yes, his intelligence is above the general population and maybe he can't understand "real people". But wouldn't we rather risk failing to achieve greatness instead of settling for comfortable mediocracy? Wouldn't we rather have someone who has power over language enough to compromise, to make himself and our nation likable? ;-) lol.

What can I say? I'm ecstatic to see what his presence as the head of our nation will do for us internally as well as for our diplomacy. He has so much riding on him, and an insane workload that will be presented to him on day negative 100. haha. GOOD LUCK PRESIDENT OBAMA! it should be an interesting 4-8 years.

It's crazy how my grandparents grew up not being able to sit in the same seats, go to the same schools, live in the same neighborhoods as white people without being harassed, potentially arrested, and always, always treated as inferior while my grandkids won't understand this concept of inferiority and segregation because it will seem ridiculous to think that they would not be considered people, too. or at least people with the same rights and needs.

i.love.it.

Now, this is not how i wanted this entry to go. for 3 weeks, i've been wanting and needing to talk about the religious confusion that i face on the daily, and only say a congratulations for Obama and for the people. but obviously, that's not what happened so the religion will have to wait. don't want to overwhelm ya'll.

if i had one of those PDA extravaganzas with easy-to-use keyboards,
this blog would overthrow with the thoughts as I sit on the L or walk to the bank.
My MIND IS A BATTLEFIELD!!!
i.think.i.am.insane.

here's some mind-clips of today:

" I am SO FUCKING TIRED of being the only one in my GODDAMN LIFE- fuck, sorry Lord. did not mean to use your name in vain -- the only fucking person who does not know who the hell she is! I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF MY DAMN INDECISION!"

"maybe leaving really is the only option..."

"why does my father only call me when he needs money. and people wonder why i have that 'i need you to care about me, look after my needs and never leave me' whole issue. that, 'i need you to be able to support me even though i'm independent as hell." whole point of view"

"i.would.not.want.to.date.me"

___________________________________________________________________


.... i changed my room around today and it helped. it satisfied, temporarily, my need for a change, for spice, for something other than sitting around on my computer while people do whatever they want in my room. where's the interaction. better yet, where's my interaction? i'm invisible in my own world.

i made amy ask for any openings at ABP. haha. doubt it'll happen but i could really use a job right now. i need an escape. and i can't always turn to "the d word". do i even have to censor this?

i.need.more.

in my head, i yell at inanimate objects as if they'd make a difference. i exult sarah balkin b/c she's the only person in my week that stimulates my brain. really stimulates.

one of these days i'm going to walk away and no one's going to realize why.
because i'm silent in my own world.
I'M SILENT.

what would i do without the written word?

I caught a glimpse of greatness

I caught a glimpse of greatness today, and I couldn't stop staring. She could have been anyone - middle length brown hair, fair skin, green eyes - American, jeans and a nice shirt, standing with the air of no one of importance. She was standing right in front of me. My hero was standing right in front of me. I didn't even know her; the first time I was introduced to her was only and hour and a half before, in a beautiful documentary called Beyond Belief. She is my hero. And I don't even know her last name.
Her husband was on one of the planes that crashed into the WTC in 2001. At the time, she was pregnant with her third child from the love of her life, his only concern as he left the door was the iron ruining his pants...
But somehow, through the grief, through the hurt, through the confusion, through the anger, she rose up, and tried to make something good out of this. She and another young window in similar circumstances decided that instead of focusing on their grief, they would reach out to others in similar, and as they soon found out, much worse circumstances, as their own. The widows of Afghanistan - the misguided target of America's pain. The "enemy". Through their similar pain, they learned from each other, began a comradeship that led to the building up of these Afghan families who were building up from nothing. These women, who had depended on their husbands for the security of their families, were now stripped of everything by our doing. These two American women decided it was time for a mutual understanding, for a clarity, for a bridge that proved that we are not as different as we choose to believe, that we are all in this together.

These two women... ordinary, ordinary women... had a goal, had a vision and they carried it through. THEY CARRIED IT THROUGH! How many of us want to do good, want to be better and it never gets beyond the vision, never gets past the idea? How often do I decide - this is when I'm going to turn my life around and do what I can with what I have to do good.

WHY DON'T WE DO ENOUGH GOOD IN THIS WORLD?

When we can! If only we could get past the lure of our day-to-day lives, if we could stop getting lost in our cycles? And i'm not saying be a martyr or go to Kabul and help the orphans get an education, I'm just saying DO SOMETHING. even if it's for yourself. don't light up that last joint and instead use your brain power to do something long-lasting and good! haha, k sidetrack.

But I am the perfect example. I encountered greatness today -- someone who looked beyond their circumstances and went beyond just the goal and did something -- an ordinary woman who did something extraordinary. I ENCOUNTERED GREATNESS!.... and I walked away. I stared for a few minutes, and I walked away. Decided it was time to go home -- for no reason other than that I was tired and felt it was time to retreat. If I couldn't even take that step, how will I make any that matter??

The end of the video had a commentary by one of the leaders of CARE ( if you don't know it, look it up!) and he said something that hit a chord with me:
We make choices everyday. Every day we make small choices that build up and build up and shape who we are and where we end up - that put us in a position to make bigger choices, greater decisions. We don't realize it- but they change us tremendously.

What choices have you made lately that have put you where you are today?

today was great. GREAT. and not in the "oh everything went so joyously" kind of great - I spent 7am-1:40 pm studying my ass off after getting not enough sleep because I was studying my ass off the night before for an exam I still didn't do too well on. I thought my brain was going to explode. Spent the day as a bum, skipped my two morning classes but was filled the rest of the day with running between here and there. Got a great lecture in brit fiction which was the shift in my day. Met a guy on the bus who was passing out pamphlets with American sign language that said that he was deaf and was trying to sell these papers, at any cost to help support his family. I know you've all seen that before, the guy just trying to get handouts. And even the giver in me was hesitant, I feel like so many of these guys are lying or not doing all they can to help their situation -- until I read again -- "to help support my family." And I almost broke down right there on the bus as I fished for my dollars... to help support his family. How terrible, terrible, it must be to sit around helplessly at home while your family's struggling with the rent. Finding it impossible to get a job because no one wants to hire that one deaf guy that's going to be a handful to train. How horrible must it be to be a man, growing up with the idea (yes, even in the 21st century) that he is supposed to be able to financially support his family, while instead finds himself utterly incompitant. And so, now that my head stop bursting, my heart burst. And burst and burst again while watching Beyond Belief.... So back, to my point. today was GREAT. not in emotion, but in magnitude. in gravity.

So, feel it. fuck the exams, fuck your situation and FEEL IT.
Help someone today. Even if its yourself.

...and remember how blessed you are.

What am I looking for?

You see, "I've been sitting, waiting, wishing"
Looking for that "something missing"
Hoping to find, in truth, that
"the answer lied in me."

And time doesn't freeze
For the one that leaves it
So I went on believing that I would meet it
Somewhere on the winding path.

And it's brought me to the wrong side of my head.

Running in circles
Making a target
Of the pain I've bled.

Too lost in your wounds
To realize my own.

And yet
Nothing heals me like the kiss
I imagine your lips to breathe
Or the bliss of the false memories
Of a life never realized
And never to be lived again.

And, And, And…
As if life is some continuous roller coaster ride
That never stops to rid of the attachments
It has grew tired of.
Always moving, moving, moving
And always losing, losing, losing
Its thrill.

But STILL, I RIDE
Not trying to mock the poet
But I can't rise
When the ride won't subside
Always running but never ending the race.

But wait.
If I opened my eyes maybe I could see.
Find the missing piece of the false life I lead
In the storm of my mind
I may never reach.

After all,
What am I reaching for?

random inspiration outside of the sac...

i wanna see a transformation
a reevaluation of your so-called "face" and
i need to see that you can make it
Far above my expectations
Problem is
You seem to think your station
sets by declaration
You need to know
The beat goes slow
There's time to lose
Your prideful glow

SO TAKE OFF YOUR COOL
LET ME SEE THE ME INSIDE OF YOU!

There's no room for your comfort zone
Inside this space
Makes everything so complicated
When you can't reign
Be insecure for a change
Infected yourself with this dis-ease
Blind your view so you can see
Your music fights against the beat

SO TAKE OFF YOUR COOL
LET ME SEE THE ME INSIDE OF YOU!

What's inside of you
That your reflection cannot see?
It's not going to be easy
When your mirror lies in me
But you can't seem to make it past
The peace that lies beneath your mask
The cocoon you built can only last
As long as you don't move so fast

SO TAKE OFF YOUR COOL
LET ME SEE THE ME INSIDE OF YOU!

whirlwind of emotions that i can't explain.... that only you can change.

I know there's something wrong inside my head, but i can't quite put my finger on it, or rather, my subconscious mind is blocking my conscious mind from realizing it, protecting myself from recognizing what is wrong.

No, don't worry kids, I'm not going through the same kind of depression that's been clouding over me on and off for the past oh... 6 years of my life haha. it's more like the quiet solemn complacency of a life lived well but not to it's fullest potential.

"Your absence runs through me like thread through a needle... everything I do is stitched with its color...."

I was so proud of myself last year... first year student... got involved with oxfam and habitat for humanity, even went to the food bank with circle K. I had fun, but stayed reasonably clean, did well in my classes, learned guitar, went to bartending school, sought out a job and at least landed a few temp jobs... at the book store and the expo... i kept my money well... i learned a lot, i found myself on this gigantic wild horse and i took the reins and learned how to ride.

I fell off awhile ago and while this summer I leapt back up, I seemed to have slipped back down as of late. I'm lost, I'm confused about the who and why and where I am.

Rewind: "Your absence runs through me like thread through a needle.... "

There's been an incredible amount of loss lately and it would be ridiculous for me not to address this, internally and externally.

We lose so that we learn to live. We learn to appreciate what we had, what we have, and what we will attain. But most of the time when we lose, we can't realize the reason for it.

We lost 2 friends in the past month. Rest in your havens, Pheobe and Maryanne. I pray that you are home and happy. Realizing your absence from this world is hard for me. Neither of you I knew too well, but your presence, your smiles, your words, have been a part of my life and I can't truly imagine a world in which those are gone. You both were truly loved and will be truly missed....

Their passings put things in perspective for me. It's hard for me to pass that to all of you... to say... "a great love screwed you over, you broke it off with your best friend, you no longer believe in love, but damn... you still have your life, the people that you love still inhabit this earth... you have that, so stop crying and learn to smile again" because I know that at this moment, for some of you, it seems that there are some things worse than death. and while there are, death is the only final thing. the only thing you can't fix, you can't change, you have no control over.

right now... life hurts.
but i'm going to make sloppy joes, get drunk tonight, start zumba next week, get involved with oxfam, read my books, keep on writing, listen to jason mraz, visit leanne joie, and it'll all go away.

and right now, since i know you both will never read this i can write...

1) i hope that i will get you back. as a sister and a friend....
and
2) i don't know really what i expect of you, but i realize that sometimes it's too much, and sometimes they contradict, and i'm sorry. but i need you to be my everything. i need to know that i can be your everything.
... and at the same time, that's exactly what i'm afriad of.

Where has my mind gone?

"Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
but you don't know what to say, and you don't know where to start?"

Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
Because that's how I've been feeling for the past few days. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to write, opened up my blogger and felt that "it is impossible to say just what I mean!", deleted the entry and busied myself with yet another insignificant task.

Today's Insignificance:

I am superman!

Soul on ice, I can fly

Higher and higher and higher

And..


I still can't quite make it above the influence


Why?

Why can't this be the last time I try to fly , I

don't want to be that girl - stuck as a

fly against the wall

in her own story

Remembering

her fairytales

Then giving

Her favorite endings

Away

…too far away from her dream

World escaping from her grasp

Like the steam from the drainpipes

Of a place she once called home.



Never

Able

to escape

from this

Never

to

break away

from this



Every time my soul breathes

I just bleed from all the hate of this



But for now, I can fly.

Soul on ice,

I... am... super…..

fighting

Life is supposed to easier than this. It just is.

To keep us from jumping off cliffs and slitting our wrists and ending it all in one fell swoop. It should have some kind of survival mechanism. Make itself easier for us mere mortals to handle it so that it could go on for another day.

And the masses respond....
"life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it...."

I, too, used to believe in that. But lately, lately it seems like life just happens. It just throws things at you, it turns upside down, it doesn't give you time to catch up. So no matter how fast you run, no matter how much you try to turn things right, no matter how you react, nothing changes. You feel the same because the situation is the same.

But i do agree that there must be a way to deal with it all better. Learn to take the punches, deal with the bruises and keep on fighting. It just seems sometimes that it's not worth that extra uppercut without the guarantee that it will end the match.

But the fight, the struggle, the hope, it all ends eventually. Sometimes, the bad stuff is final. And as much as it hurts, as much as it stings and cuts you with every breath, at least when you know it's over, when there's no more swinging, you can finally rest and catch your breath. And eventually, you'll be able to pick yourself off the ground and figure out how to walk in this upside-down world.

between.lives

By the age of ten, we seem to really get a grasp of what's right and wrong. Of course, our parents attempt to teach us when we're toddlers: "Don't take the toy from him! That's not nice!", "Pee-pee in the toilet, honey", and well, we get it then, we do. And then, just about a year later, we test our boundaries... to find how exactly how wrong the wrong is, and how good the right is. We grow up and by about ten, we get it. We're not going to smoke, drink, or do drugs. We're waiting until we're married to have sex. And speaking of marriage, we can't wait to find "the one" and he will surely be Brad Pitt, or Will Smith, or something of the like. And divorce is out of the question. At ten, money does not buy happiness, and of course we believe in God, who doesn't? We're going to go to college and be something like a doctor or a business man, we're going to start our careers before we start our families. We have it all figured out.

And then we backtrack.
We decide to test our boundaries again. We think about smoking, drinking, and drugs. We crave for sex. We decide we want to be artists and debate the idea of college. We start to lose our religious faith and see where it gets us. We still know that everything we're doing isn't right, but we want to rebel. We have to try it anyway.

And then college hits, and we're toddlers again. Trying to figure out all over again what is right and what is wrong. We wonder like two-year-olds... well, WHY should we believe in God anyway? Why not drink, have sex, do drugs, smoke? You may have a baby before marriage, before your career and you wonder, what's up with the whole "normal" structure of life anyway?

And then, as sudden as a car crash, we're adults. Full-fledged, bill-paying, family-starting, working adults and we realize that nothing, nothing played out exactly as we had planned. We wake up one day and realize that we don't know who we are anymore. A sudden state of confusion: between loves, between careers, between homes, between cars, between religions, between ideals, between lives.

We're lost. Writings my way to try to clear the dust from the storm.