not AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

yeah.... so I think it's that time again. that i-can't-get-shit-accomplished-and-i'm-starting-to-really-be-sickened-with-my-lifestyle-and-need-to-turn-myself-around-again time.

i bought nailpolish. two bottles. and painted my nails in the darkest shade i've ever known.

yeah, it's that time.

which of course means the re-start of the inevitable "six weeks to a better me" campaign. Only i don't think i'm that lost in the dark so we're limiting this one to two.

yeah, i'm that lazy. Unfortunately, this half has to focus on school because it's taking over my life and overwhelming me like a giant incandescent light bulb. (why incandescent light bulb? i think i just got done reading something about that.)

alright. enough fucking around. let's get to it....

Week 1:

Sunday, November 8:

don't have much of a choice on this one...don't think I'll have much time other than:

Morning

-wii fit!!!!

-read Paradise up to page 182 (must do before 11pm on Sunday) - ok, I didn't do the whole thing, but read up to 94 which is as good as it's going to get unfortunately.

-post for RGS(must do before 11pm on Sunday)

-study for Micro, chapters 5,6,7,and 8 (must do before 1pm on Monday)

Later

-test myself on practice test (must do before 1pm on Monday)

-come up with .5-1 page thesis for RGS (due at 1pm on Monday)

-write 2-3 page Drama paper (due noon on Monday)

Monday, November 9

Morning

-last minute studying for ECON!

Later (after exam)

-read Fires in the Mirror

-make an online (or handout) survey for BTW

-call Tito Joey about kiosk business.

Success or fail?

Tuesday, November 10

After class

-go to Rite Aid to get prescription (and cereal?)

-figure out an articulable PROBLEM for BTW (probably have to go to computer lab)

-meeting with Dalbello at 6:30? PREPARE LOTS OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT!

-try to write down a rough draft of thesis based on the meeting

-register for classes at 10pm. DON'T FUCK UP!

Success or fail?

Wednesday, November 11

Morning

-wii fit

-tell Mommy and Daddy "Happy Anniversary". try.not.to.cry.

-Go to economics. I'm serious this time.

Later

-finalize first draft of thesis

-learn a love song on the guitar (extra points if it needs a capo!)

Success or fail?

Thursday, November 12

Morning

-wii fit

Later

-get more information about population for BTW. write it down.

Friday, November 13

-write "thank you letter" to Lorraine Completo.

- Write a Thanksgiving letter to Countryside in general.

-Go home.

Saturday, November 14

Week 2:

Sunday, November 15

Monday, November 16

Tuesday, November 17

Wednesday, November 18

Thursday, November 19

Friday, November 20

Saturday, November 21

I feel pretty disheartened. I can't narrow down my thesis focus, I can't find any classes I want to take, I can't decide what school/career path I should be on... I'm constantly changing my mind. It's impossible to figure out if I'll be in this house next year or not, I don't know what the next step is going to be.

i know i sound like a bitch complaining, but i'm used to my world being in order, being able to visualize the what comes next. i'm so lost now that i can't figure out what i'm doing right now. it's like the confusion is seeping through my skin going deeper and deeper....

i'm starting to get that feeling again that i don't belong... in this social world, in this academia, in this stage of life, in this era...

i'm just constantly doing. reading for this class, writing for the next, studying for some shit, wanting to apply for internships and never fucking getting around to it. maybe i'm not cut out for publishing after all.

i guess I just don't feel good enough. i'm like the genius guy on the big bang theory that finds out that 12 yr old prodigy is smarter than him... only i'm not a genius, and i just feel like everyone else is just smarter, can learn easier, be motivated to do more, have more drive and ability.

and at the same time i feel stuck in this bullshit obsessive conventionality. i hope things turn around

contemplation

Thank you, Jane Lee for that post. haha I love my major. I really do. I love literature, the things it tells you, the way you can use language and rhetoric to tell your own story.

When a good writer writes, he or she writes with conviction. They write, accounting for every word, every sentence, every punctuation mark. They mean something with their language.

What do you mean with your language? How are you expressing yourself? If you listened to yourself, would you get from it what you hope your listeners will get from you?

I think we spend most of our lives avoiding listening to ourselves. We act without contemplating why we act. We speak without being able to account for why we are speaking. More than half my daily conversations are with people just trying to fill up the silence, myself included. We narrate what's happening, what has happened. We remind each other of the past and contemplate the future without ever stopping to think about why these things matter.

I think this is what I love most about my major. When English majors read, it's not about what the character did, how the writer expressed it, the progression of the plot. It's all about why.

How much of your life can you account for?
HOW MUCH OF YOUR LIFE CAN YOU ACCOUNT for?

My answer is... I don't know. Ask me ten years from now and I hope I'll be able to respond with "ALL OF IT!"

Before you move on with your day, ask yourself this question:
1) Why am I at this particular place in my life?
And I'm talking about all of it.
I'm talking about your job/student status. Why are you studying this over that? Why are you going to school at all? Why are you on this particular career path? Why are you working at all?
And don't give yourself some bullshit response like "because I have to, because I need the money. because it's the only way to survive in this world" because that doesn't reach the core of it. Why is money important to you at all? What's your goals, what are you trying to get out of life? What do you value most?
And I'm talking about your relationships. Your friends, your family, your significant, or not so significant other. Why are you with the people that you are with? Why are you with the person you're with? Again, saying you're obligated to them, or attached to them, or love them, isn't good enough. Don't congratualate yourself if you come up with some cliche response like "I'm not complete without him, I can't live without her." It's not enough.

I'm not going to test you on this. You'd only be cheating yourself. Realizing why you are where you are, or rather, realizing that you can't figure out why you are where you are, may make you finally understand where and who you want to be and make the appropriate adjustments.

We are so grateful to have been born in this world human, to be able to think profoundly, contemplate things outside of our experience, figure out motives, deny our animal instincts. It's too much of a gift to waste it floating through. Life is beautiful. it's malleable, it's dynamic. your decisions matter. Please, make them count.

why am i finding writing so hard? i've been working on a 5 page paper for over nine hours and I'm only on page three. I feel like i've lost my touch. Like I'm losing my voice. losing my imagination as well as my analytical skills. I feel like I could do so much better but there's a blockade in my mind.

I need to get my shit straight.

and the only way I know how to do that is to write.

let's start with school:

class #1: Intro to the Thesis

kinda freaking out just because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO WRITE MY THESIS ABOUT. and i don't want to start up on something that 5 months later, I realize I'm actually not that interested in it after all. kinda scared because it seems like next week is when we should kinda have our shit straightened out and I'm nowhere near that

class #2: Writing for Business and Professionals

Not quite as worried about this one, but still need to catch up on some things. whatev

class #3: Intermediate Microeconomic Analysis

wow. this was a complete fail. this is the reason i might not want to be an econ minor. i simply haven't been going to class. been reading a little but not enough. first midterm is Monday and I feel entirely unprepared

class #4: Contemporary Drama

I actually have no concerns about this, 'cept that I can't miss any more classes. already.

class #5: Race Gender and Space

I feel like I'm not getting this class as well as I should. and I can only miss one more of these classes. poo.

so, in general... i need to 1)figure out my thesis. 2)do more work with Writing for Bus n Prof 3) catch up on Micro, majorly.

and with the rest of my time?

i signed up for tutoring on thursday nights at Elijah's promise

i also might get more involved with FIMRC in general b/c they're just doing great things

may sign up for some other tutoring programs... but...

I think I'm applying for a job tomorrow. a real, $12 and hour, 25 hours a week, part-time job. I'm not sure if I'll get it. or if I can actually do it if I get it. But it's in real estate. for that alone, it's worth a try. wow. i feel much better already. thanks blogger.

simple request?

I miss simplicity.
Like when the world kinda, sorta made sense
Like when friends were friends, boyfriends were boyfriends
When people didn't hurt so much.

I miss the clear definitions between right and wrong
The line between black and white
The ability to walk away from the bad
To work towards the good

I don't miss youth. I don't miss ignorance. I don't miss naivete.

I just miss not having to tear apart my brain to determine why things are the way they are and what can be done about it.

i gotta say, i'm really excited. excited to be done this constant work cycle... though leaving the seniors at countryside made me cry. it really is sad that this is my last summer with them becaouuse I will honestly miss them. and the staff. it's nice to know that what you're doing is actually appreciated. they threw me a party, with icecream and pizza haha and tons of gifts (and money!) and cards and hugs and speeches. I know i impacted their lives for the better. got them into some activities like the wii and computer (one of my seniors even started a facebook with me!) but they understand that i need to go on with the rest of my life and they are really genuinely happy for me. they are better friends than a lot of people these days, and i'm grateful to have had them in my life.
moving on, however... I'm excited for the next year. not just because i have a bunch of cool new things for our room, or am taking some decent classes, or get to be back in the bruns... i think im most excited because i am just so much more sure as to who i am and what i want and i'm excited to working on the journey to becoming exactly who i want to be.

POSSIBILITIES

The possibilities have opened up now that i'm not doing this internship thing this fall. may try again in the spring, may just wait till summer...

i want a job, for security purposes. i don't want one for sanity's purpose. so tired of working for the "man". may just end up volunteering my time at the RUP and English Department. I need to focus on getting together my senior thesis ideas because I know it's gunna be a tough journey. I would also like to tutor for plangere... if i could only find a decent writing sample.
maybe i'll only apply to book stores and if i don't get it, i don't. and i'll live off our refund checks. mwahahaha.

i wanna really take some recreational classes. maybe 1 with a friend (or bf) but some without. i think i need to learn to motivate myself :-P

exercise/volunteering/passing classes/figuring out my life. i think that's what this semester will be like. i deserve to relax from work for 4 months. right? RIGHT? haha. such is life.

trunctuated and edited

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a man there lived whom you may know
By the name of PJP;
And this man he lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and he was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my PJP;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted him and me.


And our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the wonderful PJP.

Bloggie Blog World

So, read my last post and realized a whole middle chunk was missing, but whatever, i think you got the gist.
so... this is kinda gonna be all over the place...

have i changed this summer?
I think i have.
the biggies:
-became a mommy! this was technically in the spring, but it changed my life this summer. especially when my baby got sick a couple days ago.:-(. had me tearing up in the vet lol. but he seems to be okay now. 4 medications, bland food, and $350 later lol. just bored and wanting his old food back.
-bought a car! woot! which changed my life in general in a good way and makes me so proud that we did it by ourselves.
-went on vacation, which I don't do often. And my first vacation with the boyfriend and his fam. first cruise too :-D.
-became a business owner -- temporarily. which changed both me and pj, the way we work together and handle our money, and even our personalities, more confident, more outgoing, and more involved with the community here in galloway, which was pretty cool.

and the not so big-ies.

**Despite feeling like i gained 10 lbs during the cruise, I prob lost about 5 overall.
**I discovered that Kashi bars are not just a snack... they are a way of life. When you Kashi, you're a happier person. You don't run low on sugar because there's a bar always in your bag. There's a craving-satisfier for all my sweet tooth needs, and I don't feel bad indulging in say... 3 during the work day. You're okay skipping lunch because they are rich and fiber and protein so you feel like you're not going hungry. and you save money because you're not starving by 5 pm and giving in to buying a shit load of wawa. as was my life pre-Kashi.
**my hair is shorter and healthier. despite just recently running out of the house for puppy emergencies, i've been taking care of it much better. I now have my own chi and red ken shampoo and 2 new brushes and other hair health shit... which is no big deal to everyone else, but for me, who tried to survive the last 2 years with 1 shitty brush, $3 shampoo and $15 straighteners, this is a big deal. lol
**I still get stressed, but I know how to calm myself down now. I'll set aside a time for a quick nap or just 10 minutes for meditation and it changes my whole day.
**I'm a more understanding girlfriend... or so I would like to think lol
**I've become somewhat of a shopaholic. This was a change I'm not proud of. I could barely go 3 days without going to a store and every time I went, I had to get a little something for myself, or room, or Hugo lol. Was pretty bad. i didnt spend too much, except in the orlando outlets and my pre- vacation clothes shopping, but i still feel bad. putting myself on a serious budget once school starts.
**but i am glad that ive learned that its okay to get new clothes lol. something i only did when absolutely necessary. i actually like my clothes now which is a huge plus lol
**im more active in general. which changes the way I carry myself.
**i attempted to learn a language... even though my practice faded after like a week. i plan to pick it back up though
** i'm less concerned with where I'll end up and more concerned with taking advantage of the moment. trying to make the most of these next 2 years at RU. wish me luck.

i'm looking forward to my next blog being in the comfort of my own bed back in new brunswick. this summer has been a wild ride, man... but im glad its coming to an end. 4 more days at countryside, 7 more days of MC ownership, one day of jury duty and i'm calling it quits.

also... havent heard back from penguin :-( haha, i'm actually not as sad as maybe i should be. maybe because i'm tired of working my ass off. if i don't hear anything by friday, i'm rearranging my schedule to one that works better for me and utilizes my mondays and wednesdays. we shall see... <3 thanks for listening

What is the cause of suffering? being over-worked? under-loved? having "bad things" just "happen"?

not being on vacation?

now, I had an above-expectations wonderful kind of vacation. i would have loved to have written everything down as there are certain memories I'm sure I have already forgotten, but that was not plausible during my short 6 day vacay, nor even desireable... so from what i remember, abbreviated...

first plane ride with hubby, great views, great conversation. arrived in orlando, met up with the fam. began the eating/spending frenzy at outback, explored the resorts... wowzers! went to city walk and saw a GREAT live band. Orange Avenue. look em up. back to the villa, boys went to the pool. I got a pool-side massage... ahh :-). Team Carin-Titot raped at wii bowling. got sleep, yey!....spent most of the next day relaxing, chillin on the porch. finally got to go to the outlets. dropped like $300, but great purchases... <3 eating. enjoyed some 2 for 1 mojitos! ate. had sex. got caught having sex. ran away in embarassment and hid for the rest of the night on the top deck, playing basketball and ping pong. thought about getting married. looked for the chapel. couldn't find the chapel. gave up on the idea. ate. gambled. lost $70 at ultimate texas holdem. gambled. pj won $70 back at roulette. got drunk of duty-free liquor with titot while playing pusoy dos. stumbled to the bar and talked to this guy forever about football. was drunk enough to go to the casino again. gambled. broke even again. ate. hung out in the jacuzzi. ate again. ate so much, i think i gained near 10 lbs. burned a good amount off though lol. went to PARADISE ISLAND! saw Atlantis, resisted the casino, hung out on the white sandy beaches... perfectly clear water. tito joey got stung by a jellyfish. ran to the boat, but everything was fine. did the tourist thing, shopper thing and beach bum thing. went to Norwegian's private island. beautiful :-). tried to hike to the lighthouse, but decided it was too far. tried to have sex on the hidden, secluded area of the beach. couldnt shake our company. got back on the boat. had sex again. almost got caught again. FAIL. ate. got hook ups with the 85% filipino crew, including a feast of filipino food especially for us on the last day lol. had a wonderful conversation in the quiet area of the deck with titot and pj. saw a shooting star :-). (shoothing star!). in short, fell in love with the cruise life. In Joan's late husband's words... I was born to cruise. Or at least vacation. decided right then and there to start saving for the next cruise next year. or save for the next 3 yrs or so and SPLURGE on an italy excursion. hmm. leaning towards the 2nd one lol.

and now i'm back to the 'real world' you know... the one that sucks. lol j/k it's really not that bad. I just know I worked my ass off this summer and am pretty tired of it.

sorry i kinda gave up with the 6 weeks posting, but i didn't give up on the 6 weeks goals. i think i am a better me already :-D

VACATION! aka week 4

Week 4 falls perfectly in line with my week-long vacation! I never did finish week 3, but whatever. got some stuff done, forgot some others... but it no longer matters because i'm chillin in my villa in orlando, on the screened in porch after a half-day of relaxation, babyy.

It really is wonderful... I think I ought to vacation every year. At least a small one. Because it feels so amazing. After 2 months of stress, stress, stress, I can forget about everything and just RELAX. Family of pj's family had a villa in Florida as their timeshare and let us use it for a few days which is nice. It's really nice here, too. Decor and views ;-) and pools... and pool side spa! got my first massage, but it sure won't be my last.. probably getting one on the cruise as well. enjoyed the night at City Walk, and got the first actual sleep of my week. :-). today was a lazy day as we waited for tita leah to be done her seminar... and then the in-laws went to another seminar where they were convinced to get a timeshare too!!! SHAME ON THEM! lol. they're on their way back now, let's see if they actually got one.. dun dun dun. Played a lot of wii with titot, tito joey and pj, with joy cracking up all throughout lol. I've forgotten how wonderful it was to just hang out, without the stress of tomorrow lingering like onion breath. AHHH! can't wait to board the cruise tomorrow. thanks galloway heads for holding down the store for us and baby-sitting our gog. we <3 you.

Week 3!

July 29
should i buy this netbook?
update: did not buy the netbook... yet. but spoiled my dog at GOG-E-GOG world! lol fail. but that place is so damn cute. I realize I spend a lot of money for no apparent reason except that I like somthing... which, of course, is not a good reason. and i spoil my dog for fun. Today, he got a bed, a peanut butter biscotti, kong stuffer and a new ball. lol. oo and his nails cut. yeah... alright. need to start setting a budget for myself... especially about home stuff and hugo's spoiling. in time. Other than that, got a lot of stuff done in the store today meaning, I'm not worried about doing mc stuff till next week at least. which is nice.

July 30
went to work, went to the carnival! indulged in funnel cake, sno cone, and cotton candy... mm. took a nap. pretty much just enjoyed myself for this second half of the day and I think that's what matters

July 31
Seriously slackin on a lot of things, but got a lot of Countryside stuff done today. am souped because the little signs that i put up (that i had planned to put up a while ago, but only was truly coaxed to by my wonderful new employee ;-) ) got us mad $$ today at MC. Got to see Kev, Dan, and Raff today... which is something i haven't done in a while. and got my new phone, which was nice. ran a lot for no apparent reason. really ready to get those running shoes. Think imma go shopping on Monday and start packing for the cruise. sooo excited for that. Being w/o my phone was kinda nice in a way. Could drive off and go wherever, not having to worry about anyone bothering me, asking for me to be here, there, reminding me to do this, that. just had these brief moments of just me, which is new. so among the things im looking forward to about this bahamas/florida trip, is that i'll be un-contactable. for even just a few days while at sea. Made me realize that technology really isn't my thing. kinda wanna sell this phone while it's still new and like use a prepaid or something. Though I love my phone, I don't really need it, not really using the features, so what's the point? also means i'm not getting a netbook. lol. do not need two laptops... i think imma just buy $200 worth of clothes instead. lol which is needed, bad.

August 1
El primero de agosto! aka, my mommy's bday! went up to the bruns/rahway for a family reunion which was nice but my stomach got destroyed. Thought more about this store in new brunswick thing... more about that later. spent time with the boys finally! played some RISK hehe. took over the African motherland lol. balanced MC stuff and was very pleasantly surprised. decided to go shopping in the morning to celebrate

August 2
shopping SUCCESS! got 2 pair of jeans, 2 dresses, a hoodie, a cardigan, a cover-up thingie and a nice shirt. ended up spending $120, but got $20 back in kohls cash to spend any day after today lol so imma prob go back tomorrow to get a bag. lol. left on my list is:
-umbrella
-sneakers
-dress shoes
-a bunch of tanks/camisoles
Left to do this week is...
-pay Jane
-deposit money in business acct
-update house acct info
-pay off Hugo's bill
-decide whether or not to get him neutered and make an appt if the decision is yes
-make a blood work appt
-print out boarding pass on tuesday
-pack!!
-clean my car
-bathe huggybear.

i'm shortening my lists so that i am no longer overwhelmed. i'm trying to simplify my life. lol trying.
also, really thinking about starting that new blog.

WEEK 2

Ok, separating the weeks because the previous post was getting way too long.

Week 2:
General Goals: work on the meditation and tagalog. start reading a book, focus on writing cover letter and sending applications.

Day 8 (7/22):
Pre-Goal:Working all day and so... finish financial aid docs and send them out, also mail out any other items that i need to. Write cover letter. No excuses, just DO IT!
Observations: Generally speaking, I feel like I'm half failing. I did not bathe Hugo that night and of my week 1 goals, I still need to
-send docs to financial aid
-deposit check for august, send check to brunswick to send for august
-figure out mc payments/bills we have to take care of pre-vacation
-budget and pay bills, pre-vacation
-do hugo registration w/ akc
-send out apps way before vacation, change voicemail message also
F to the A to the I to the L.
I do have new goals too, but feel like I could be doing so much more. My no spending idea is a complete fail. I'm actually going to spend more this month than any other month of my life. lol. hoping to pay my debts off, but am going on vacation, and need to still buy:
-a wii, or try to pay to get it fixed o_O
-a really good pair of running shoes
-a printer
-stuff to make my headboard
-a new bedspread and sheets
-buy the wii fit from pj's dad lol
-get Hugo's balls cut off lol poor guy
-get my eyebrows waxed
-try teeth whitening stuff
-get more organization stuff for the room, potentially a new nightstand

a total which amounts to somewhere around... $3500 when u include sept rent lol. DAMN.
we took out a lot in loans this year... post-graduation pay-back is going to be a bitch, lol <3 style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">MORE OBSERVATIONS: Meditated twice as long today, which was nice. mailed back my jury duty stuff, but nothing else. Also did NOT go shopping which is good. started my cover letter but it was really bad. so spent the rest of the day researching so my cl is really good. this publishing business is intimidating... i might just move to philly, be a teacher and forget this nonsense. lol. can't believe i pre-goaled a car clean-out tomorrow. damn. PLUS hugo's bath. yikes...
One More Thing! Caught up with Amy today! I miss her! making it a goal to text her randomly sometime this week :-)

Day 9 (7/23):
Pre-Goal: Revise cover letter haha. Clean out car. Learn something on the guitar or at least practice.
Observations: tried to clean out the car but it was raining, so just straightened it up. Washed Hugo! yey! Practiced guitar and then just relaxed the rest of the day... twas nice. Also bought a lot of Kashi bars and Archer Farm's flavored water so I can stop eating junk throughout the day. yey! plus, they're delish.

Day 10 (7/24):
Observations: Had no goal for today lol. got done some stuff at work that i've been holding back on... went to the bank... got my mom's bday present and am currently hanging out w/ the boys and katie :-). Made it a point yesterday to not be selfish and close so that pj could hang with the guys and today, making it a point to actually come hang out myself. i've been so distant lately.

Day 11 (7/25):
Pre-Goal: Take care of some MC stuff and all paperwork stuff. :-) work on cover letter... something that's taking way longer than expected. i'm so scared to fail. BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET. i find im spending way too much :-(
Observations: Did all of that!!! yey!! sent financial aid stuff, balanced budget... got me so excited because we're going to have mucho monies this year... thought about all the possibilities... regular stuff like... saving it to pay off future loans, saving it as backup cash to pay this year's rent and put aside enough for next year's rent... and much more absurd things like... using it as a downpayment to buy a condo or a small fixer-upper of a house... living in it or renting it out, or renting out half which is more likely... or... bambahbah BUM.... getting married! and in truth, was very serious about all of these. and after a couple days of researching these possibilities... yesterday, I came to the conclusion that... 1) just "saving it" putting it in the savings account is NOT an option. lol because knowing us, we will blow that money like it's nothing...."oh honey... we can afford to go out to eat and to the movies and order food and get a new wardrobe and get that dresser you've been wanting and buy the new xbox 720" lol. I can see it happening. also, setting it aside to pay for rent for the next new years is tempting as hell, but not reasonable either... because it will just make us lazy and the conversation will turn to "awesome babe! we don't need jobs! let's just chill out for the next 2 yrs" and while we could survive off it, not having an income makes me uneasy. Now the house. *sigh*. this one's a long story. But even though I could afford the downpayment and the mortgage if we're living there instead of renting someplace else... the commitment is just WAY too much for me right now. knowing i'd have to hold on to it for a number of years until the market rights itself again is a scary thought. I need mobility for atleast the next 3 years, lol. and while financially, it makes a lot of sense being that we're in a buyer's market and having such limited time for the first time homeowners 8,000 tax rebate and realizing that i'd be spending more in rent than my mortgage would be.... ugh, that's the hardest thing to realize... putting so much money into nothing while i can be building equity, AY!... mentally it doesn't. I don't want to face that kind of pressure right now while i'm still in school. AND again, need to have a steady income in order to take on something like that... not saying it's not still a THOUGHT... it's just most likely not going to happen.
And now the marriage thing... hehe. as i said, i seriously considered each of these possibilities. Keep in mind, I know next to nothing about weddings except that theyre a lot of stress and money lol. so, i ventured out and bought myself a bridal magazine, was kinda freaked out when i picked it up, but once i leafed through i realized that this wedding thing might not be so bad afterall. BUT while I am ready to be married to him, and vice versa, I am not ready to GET married. It's hard to explain, but if you're a Twilight fan haha it's easier to say that i'm in Bella's mindset (before Breaking Dawn, since i havent read that one yet). I can't shake the way I feel about young marriages, even though I know it can work out, and can perhaps be more wonderful than waiting till ur old and stressed out and far too out of the honeymoon phase to be honeymooners lol... I'm not ready. Nor is my life where I want it to be when I decide to become a married couple. I want... a home of my own (even if we're renting) I want a stable job, I also don't want bad vibes at my wedding because I'm a young twenty-something getting married :-o. lol I think it's going to take a few years for me to be absolutely ready, and then a while after that decision until I actually carry it out, so don't expect wedding bells until like 4 yrs from now lol. now that that's said and done... what ARE we to do with our money. Decided to put it in a CD. most likely. so that we CAN'T access it for 2-3 years. 2 would make sense b/c we might need it right after college. 3 would be even better. has more interest and also makes it so that for a yr after college we can settle ourselves, decide where to live before we take out that money and start using it for these important things like house, marriage plans and 5 more puppies. lol. and paying back loans, of course tehehe. enough about that

Day 12 (7/26)
Observations: No goal, but awesome day! Went to sunryser's for breakfast w/ mommy, the in-laws, joy, and kev. delish ;-). then went home to help out with the house, cleaning and moving furniture. they're painting now while i'm at MC, but i'm happy to be getting somewhere. started teaching my mom some meditation techniques. uncle bob joined in. it was nice. we need some yoga mats and meditation pillows next lol. went to an open house in absecon and it reaffirmed my I-don't-want-to-invest-in-a-house-right-now idea. it sums up to fear. the sum of all fears... lol ok, i'm shutting up now

Day 13 (7/27)
FUCK MAN, going back to work lol. only 4 more weeks at Countryside, which is actually, suprisingly, sad for me. too much planning to do. my goal for today is to work on my posture throughout work today and to make sure to bring my kashi bars for when I get hungry. and NO shopping after work. unless i do budgeting before then.

Day 14 (7/28)
I'm no longer separating these posts into goals and observations. Just writing, cuz it's what I do.
I've been working on my posture and I think i'm starting to get it. Been bringing my kashi bars to work, eat 2 a day at work so it keeps me from the junk. but i'm like starving by the time i leave work and so, maybe i should think of a better plan... like... apples or bringing sandwiches or something. I wish I could cook at home. i have some fresh herbs waiting for me! I didn't shop after work! but i did today.. (got flowers and candles only tho!) but will probably shop tomorrow because... i'm bad like that. seriously about to start the envelope budgeting system. lol. more about that later.
speaking of which... thinking about starting a new blog. one more about the random good ideas i come across... about home design and financial advice and now, strangely, weddings(u know... I always wondered why i wasn't striving to be like a wedding planner or something. As much as I'm obsessed with decor and love, i would think i'd be watching wedding shows at least as religiously as I do hgtv lol)... and other ideas i have... about like meditation and philosophy and relationships and books and music... you know, everything. like everything that doesn't really fit into this journal-like blog lol.
and my final topic of the day is.... I overcame a grudge! though his first impression was terrible the first time i met him, the second time was much better. saw a softer side of him, saw that my sister was happy and it allowed me to get over it. to FORGIVE. Something i was honestly afraid would never happen. Forgetting is still probably nowhere in the near future, but with that hatred gone, I'm a happier person and I can be happier for her. YEY!

Now that the week's over, I can see what I failed about, lol:
I did work on meditation and tagalog, but not as much as I would have wished. If you count reading the meditation book as starting reading a book, then yes. I did. lol. Tried writing my cover letter but did not send any applications. I'm too much of a pussy.
In addition, I still need to
-send check for aug.
-get hugo's appt for balls-be-gone
-set my appt for blood work
-send out apps way before vacation, change voicemail message also

But... I've given up on the guitar thing for the summer because I am, quite simply, so rarely home that it's almost pointless. Other than that...

I want to:
-work on building credit
-devise a plan to start saving up money
-add working out to my daily activities, in short spurts
- take care of my skin better. since, ive already been saving my hair.


until next week (aka tomorrow)

6 WEEKS TO A BETTER ME!

Week 1:
Overall focus: start planning what I would like to change, catch up on things I should have been doing/mailing out/budgeting, that I've been holding back on. Some things that stand out:
-cancel my random memberships that I don't use
-make my dr. krachman appointment
-send docs to financial aid
-deposit check for august, send check to brunswick to send for august
-make schedule for when we're on vacation
-figure out mc payments/bills we have to take care of pre-vacation
-budget and pay bills, pre-vacation
-do hugo registration w/ akc
-send out apps way before vacation, change voicemail message also
-figure out where the HUGo's going :-(. i'll miss him....

Day 1(7/15):
Goal- do better for my hair. hair therapy. hair happiness.
my hair was a hot mess. fried, dead. Bought some chi products and my mom bought a chi straightener. also bought some redken shampoo... thought if i wasn't so afraid to spend some money on hair stuff, then i can really nourish my hair, make it stronger, stop burning it etc. tried wednesday night after work and kinda failed as i couldn't find my blow-dryer, but braided it up to sleep and had a fast straightening before work attempt, and though my hair is not as straight as I would have hoped--well, what can i do, i'm not white or asian, lol -- it turned out fantastically soft, which is all I can ask for. This is my hair. time to embrace it, love it, and care for it.

Day 2(7/16):
Goal-Enjoy the evening with my hubby, make anniversary plans!
Observations: Took only a 1/2 cup of coffee and drank only 1/2 of that. said NO to the office sweets-- even though they were free, even though I was hungry, even though I didn't want to waste them, haha. GO ME! granted, I pigged out later, haha but not eating junk at the office is one of my goals. I know I do it for all of the forementioned reasons and because deep inside I have this fear that I wont have any other chance for nourishment and so I make sure to eat something, anything and that anything leaves me feeling gross afterwards. Time to change. As for my goal, I did enjoy the evening. We chilled out, took care of some business, unfortunately, but got to hang out, go see Harry Potter... gs.

Day 3 (7/17):
Goal: c'mon, you all know the goal for this one... enjoy the anni! which we did. Also, bought me a tagalog beginner's book!! haha so I can finally learn. all my previous attempts have failed. but now that everyone knows i'm trying to learn, i know i'm going to constantly be quizzed, it's already started lol so, one goal to keep in mind for the upcoming weeks: read some of this tagalog book each day. so i atleast learn 1 thing per day

Day 4 (7/18)
Goal: ok, so I kinda forgot to have a goal today. oopz. FAIL.
Observations: Meditated for the first time today. Me and pj are going to try to put it into our day more often. there's a goal! Also, did something else new today... went to the zoo! which was nice. A bad observation though: I was feeling down and so i ate some junk to make me feel better. granted, it worked, but it was a bad move. BAD carin, very BAD carin, haha.

Day 5 (7/19)
Pre-Goal: Working ALL DAY today, so the least I can do is to figure out all mc stuff that needs to be sorted through in the next couple of weeks. can't take too long, right? start coming up with business ideas, store sales, etc. what to do, what to do. small goal: Either meditate in the morning or stretch throughout my day, or both! Also, collect a Sunday Press of AC and look up news sources for countryside project thing
Observations: Got deeper in my meditation today... trying to figure out my perfect posture and I'm getting there... still have a long way to go though to get to where I want to be. Also, began training Jane! also finally started a must-see movie section. Only it was only for VHSs and I have to promote it better.. but w/e it's a start. However... spent a lot of money on food, which consequently means that I ate way too much. I feel pretty gross. goal for tomorrow: don't feel gross... meaning eat well!

Day 6 (7/20)
Pre-Goal: have my doctor's appt today. Don't forget to get out early. Take that time to call Dr. Krachman. No excuses! Training Jane today. it's monday, i'm bleeding, so i know it's going to be hard... but i need to stay positive today. Also, at work... organize wii bowling thing, try to write essay and take some pictures for the email thing. go to library to help helen, see if Joyce still needs help. Also, order my bc refill!
Observations: Well, went to the docs, called Krachman... stayed in a decent mood. But didn't do anything else. Today was a kind of fail :-(. did train jane... lol

Day 7 (7/21)
Pre-Goal: Give Hugo a bath tonight!!! WOOT! pick up bc refill! Meditate or do 50 push ups today, or BOTH!
Observations: Shit man. I need to stop going shopping. Seriously. Because I always find something that's worth buying. Bought Hugo a bowl and a collar which is needed as his previous ones were destroyed/lost. Resisted getting a toy though, so that was good. went to a fuckin arts and crafts store and ended up buying 3 baskets. they're awesome baskets though lol. got my bc refill and am currently on my way to bathe Hugo and meditate. not so sure about the 50 pushups but I did work my arms with my free weights today so we'll see about that. Turns out i'm 150 pounds, like exactly. I remember when I used to be reaching 160... wow. None of the weight I lost was intentional haha, so i feel like i cheated and I know part of the reason i'm not working hard to get down to my ideal weight is because i felt like i cheated and I subconsciously want to go back up and do it the right way. it's weird, but it's something i realized I am doing. Another thing I realized is that I'm afraid to look better. Not saying that as a brag, i know i'm not miss beautiful, but I honestly feel really creeped out and violated by a lot of males and i'm tired of it. Some positive things... I'm breathing much better. I practice breathing right all throughout my day and it's made me a calmer person. I'm also using my Tagalog phrases much more often and was proud of myself when we ran into kat's mom at petsmart and I could actually understand most of what she said. lol. I can really tell the difference... probably because a lot of little things I just ignored before I now know what they mean and so instead of just knowing words, I understand sentences lol, it's hard to explain. ok. trying to get out of this bitch. lol. thanks for listening.

update

"It is important to take from what we see every day the secrets that routine prevents us from perceiving"

so, we took a day off to spend our... GASP... 6 year anniversary together! my thought months ago was that i'd take him to a piano bar or jazz bar because I love them! Closer to the day, we thought about going to the dog beach because it's our place now. Didn't do either, really, but we kinda almost did both anyway haha. It started with a ring and ended with a kiss. In between, the day consisting of Harry Potter, double date w/ nikki and justin at Sunryser, Borders, walking around the dog walk, sitting by the lake, going to Barita's and being pleasantly surprised with a great live jazz band, a canoli, tirimusu, and a great hazlenut drink hehe, learning Tagalog, reading Paolo Coelho quotes, staring into each other's eyes, enjoying great conversation, great company, great sex... hehe yeah, it was the perfect day off. and now, we're working every day until the 5th of August! which sucks... but knowing that after that, we're going to have a complete week off, away from the stresses of my job, of movie city, of errands and responsibilities... that makes it worth it. we're flying to Orlando... doing the park thing... letting joy see MICKEY MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then we're going to Miami for our cruise to the Bahamas!!! We're all so excited. I've never been on a cruise before. Plus it's me and pj's first vacation together. i really can't wait. Other than that... I'm taking a new approach to the rest of my summer... I'm calling it my "6 weeks to a better me" because it sounds cool haha, and because it seems like a more reasonable goal... doing better for myself for the next 6 weeks instead of the more vague and hard to enforce "I want to be better" mantra. I was going to make it a more private affair... something about pointing out your flaws by letting everyone know that you want to change, kinda sucks. but something i read by paolo coelho changed my mind:

"Our human condition makes us tend to share only the best of ourselves, because we are always searching for love and approval."

which is terrible because it means we're never really getting to know each other, and crazy because i'm already surrounded by so much love... and so... one of my 6 week goals is being more honest about every side of myself... to myself as well as anyone who asks lol. 6 weeks to a better me posting starts in the next post. I will keep it continuous, instead of separate postings, so look out for updates. And if you're interested in joining me for this transforming month and a half, just let me know! I'd love the motivation and advice a partner in this could give me....

So my 6 weeks started on Wednesday, July 15th...

MY SUPER SUMMER

I'll tell you what- they were not joking when they said "life comes at you fast. It has been one hell of a ride this summer and it's only been 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS. You're kidding, right? It seems like quite a while ago that we finally moved out of the dreaded 211 house lol. Getting everything together for that and 65 bartlett.. finishing finals. From there, we started our car search/job search, trying to prepare for the summer…
WE GOT A CAR!
At the end of May, we landed a great deal for our beautiful '02 toyota solara. Haha. The search SUCKED. Going back and forth between… should we spend less and get a crap car for our "first car", like everyone's telling us to, or should we suck it up and put ourselves in half a decade of debt for a better, new car. Was definitely leaning towards the new one to be honest… pj's dad tried to take us to a couple of dealerships. Thought about going for a suzuki or hundai, or pontiac, or nissan… but I wanted a toyota. Couldn't shake my need for that toyota. Toyota is honestly the only brand I trust. I can't explain it, but they've never done me wrong. So, I grew attached to the yaris for a while. Actually went to vineland toyota to see if they would cut me a better deal than shore… and they ended up showing me our baby. Lol. When the guy was talking about it, I was like… I'm not tryin to have that! 2002? Pshhhh. Gimme that new model! Lmao. But I admit, when I saw it, I was impressed. It hadnt been cleaned or anything yet and it was a shiny red sports car, not really what I thought I was looking for. With 2 doors, which I kinda knew I would settle for anyway since I wanted the yaris… but with those sexy windows… you know, the kind with just glass and no top rim. Lol, I dunno why I liked that. The guy was gushing about it… about how the solara is a better car for starters, which it is…. And about how the previous owners took care of it (he wasn't lying… carfax says all lmao, he did it all by the book, all the servicing and check ups and stuff lol). But I wasn't truly impressed until I drove it. It drove as smooth and sounded as good as the 07 corolla we were thinking about getting at shore. The price tag was in the 7,000s… thanks to tito joey's impeccable bargaining skills, we brought it down to 5,000 flat after a few hours. Lol he started off saying we'd only take it for 3,000. they were like, there's no possible way to get it under 6500. tehehee. And the best part is, we paid in full!!! Ok, yeah we had to borrow $1000 from tito joey lol, but paying in full, including taxes and tags, meant we got to keep our insurance significantly lower (only $50 a month compared to 150 if we took out a loan for it!) PLUS no interest?! Wonderful :-D. after we realized that we'd be saving close to 20,000, we decided to go for the solara. Haha. And I love it! I love my car! In a surprising way. I figured paying $5000 for a car would mean it'd be a blah car just to get us by, but I really do love it. I guess when something's yours, you tend to be really biased about it lol. I guess that's why I feel like I have the best boyfriend ever and best dog ever haha. But I do look at the car every day and smile, and think… there's no way I got away with $5000 for this car. It runs like a charm, it's amazing on gas, it looks sexy, and its just fun to drive. Aside from the car itself, it's just great having a car period. Never have to worry about anyone else needing it or having it. Driving around every day and being able to be proud that your transportation is yours. It wasn't a gift, no one's just lending it to you, the bank doesn't own most of it, lol it's yours. Tito joey's donation will be paid back in 4 weeks! Hehe yey!
Which brings me to the job search…and consequent taking over of movie city. Boy has that been a trip. Owning a business is hard fucking work. The constant balancing and checking and budgeting and seeing where to save and where to spend, checking out the trends, not to mention having to be there most of the time for regular transactions… rearranging the store, fixing the system. Oh my geez. Getting everything ready to pay taxes and rent and employees and payroll expense and inventory and utilities and deliveries…posters, booklets… and the trash guy and the soda guy… im sure I'm forgetting some. Lol. But this hard work is paying off. If things continue to stay around where they are… by mid next month, we'll have paid off our car, our Hugo, and our credit debt. Maybe earlier. And by the end of the summer, even with all our expenses, we'll not only have our debt completely cleared (except for school debts) but have enough money saved to cover sept, oct, nov, and dec, rent and utilities, and that's BEFORE our refund checks! Wow. That's such a relief. I'm really hoping to save as much as possible for me and pj to get our own apartment senior year. Or at least one with only 1-2 other roommates. Lol I can't do this craziness anymore. Don't think anyone else can either.
But this work is wearing me out. WEARING ME OUT. I work 50-60 hrs each week, and im trying to get my rest, so I can finally get better!
Being in the hospital sucked. I wish I had the energy to write because I had some great blog/short story ideas. Could have wrote a damn book: "breakfast in bed and other things I'll miss about the hospital" I'm sure the list would include:
1) Staring at the drawing on the hospital bed and imagining that little figure as my friend. We were both so sad, stuck on our damn beds. I felt bad for myself because I felt lonely enough to imagine inanimate drawings as friends. But then I felt bad for him, knowing that he'll never get out of here. Sad.
2) The soup. Oh yeah.. Because who needs solid food anyway? Let's strain the soup of all its goodness and then dilute that with water. I never get enough water these days w/o it.
3) The IV -- I can be so lazy that I don't even have to worry about hydrating myself, or taking pills to get better. Who wants to do that? Wouldn't it be better to lug around this cart on wheels attached to you in a place that makes normal functionality impossible?
Not to say that all my visitors didn't cheer me up. Thanks you guys. I pretty much had someone at my bedside the whole 4 days. You guys are wonderfully loyal… but it felt like shit… taking all that time out of people's days to sit in a hospital and deal with me, who just could not bring herself to be as pleasant as I wanted. In a nutshell, being in the hospital sucked.
And on top of that, I won't really get better for 2 weeks. Wtf is that? I'm just trying not to end up in the hospital again until I'm about to give birth….
Missed 3 days at Countryside that I have to make up.
Ay… countryside. I know I can't come back next year. It's not like I hate it there… I don't. it's just that my boss has me in the office all day doing corporate/secretary work and I'm just not feelin it. Today I got to bring the wii in and me and the seniors played for 3 hrs lmao. It was great. They loved it. The best was when elsie's face lit up after she bowled a 112… she said… "wow… I never thought I'd be able to bowl again." and Peggy… used to be a great bowler when she was young. Was in a league and everything… now she's stuck to a wheelchair… but she's loving being able to play again. Hehe. Those are the times I love my job. Still, working there is exhausting and it's not just the hours… what I learned from my 2 jobs this summer -- I do not want an office job and I would love to own my own business. Lol. I guess there's something about knowing you deserve whatever you're making… about getting out of something what you put into it… about being proud of progress… as much as it's a pain, it's a rush.
Does that mean I'm stepping away from publishing? Hell no! haha I still fully believe that that's my calling. Not even solely because I want to do it… I guess I kinda just feel like of all the things I COULD do… I would be the best at this. Of course, I could be wrong lol. It's just that I would also love to be an entrepreneur as well… risky business…
So anyways, going up to the bruns tomorrow. Get to see the new place, now that it's ours. Move some stuff in…. Going up again the next week to meet up with my freshman peer mentee, who seems real cool….
Well, I suppose that's long enough… lol until next time ;-)

I guess it's time to update. Time to write again. So much has changed since I last posted. Let's list 'em!

1) I got my Hugo. :-). Hugo's absolutely the best. He makes me laugh all the time; my heart warms just looking at him. He's a very good puppy (he just eats everything off the ground, which is terrible lol). He's learning so much so fast . And we just love him so much. Sooo much. It'll be wonderful growing up with him, spending the next 15-25 years with him. Getting him a friend (we're thinking another lhasa apso or a husky breed). Having him makes me realize that I need to take as good care of myself as I do for him. Eat better, exercise more, spend days just doing something I want to do (which probably will never happen lmao)

2) Semester ended. At long fucking last. I actually ended up with 3 As, a B+ and a C+, which is pretty miraculous considering how little I did in 3 of the 5 classes. This semester made me not want to really do the class thing anymore. Cleared my schedule to have Mondays and Wednesdays open for an internship, or in a worse scenario, a job. Will start applying to these internships once I perfect my cover letter and resume, which probably won't be for like another month so it will be more updated. Other than that, I was thinking about taking an online writing for business class, intermediate micro analysis, 18th C Novels, and Brain, Mind and Behavior. Will try to be a writing tutor at plangere, and that's my semester… working, schooling, taking care of my 2 people and a dog family lol, and trying to get by another year of new roommates, bleh…

3) That working/internship decision will have a lot to do with the car I will be purchasing probably in the next week lol. Our $60,00 budget got shot to hell and has moved up to $14,000. looking for a newer, if not brand new, car. Never thought it would happen. But if we can bargain enough to get accepted with the same down payment and monthly payment that we were trying to spend anyway, and just have that monthly payment last for a few more years then we expected, then I can't complain. It's definitely worth it. I'm so afraid of getting an older car and having it crap out on me in like 2 years or less. So instead of throwing that money (and the cost of repairs) into something I don't want anyway, that will have like no resale value later… we're going to get a car that we actually like, and that will be much more reliable. I'm looking forward to finally have a personal means of transportation. I know it will help my mom out a lot too. if even just for this summer

4) and so whether or not I'm able to accept an unpaid internship will have a lot to do with the $ I'll be making this summer, which has also changed. I'm still working at Countryside, but instead of working at movie city or getting another part time job, I may be co-managing the store for summer! It will be amazing business experience… dealing with payroll, profit maximization, inventory purchases, rent, utilities, all of that loveliness. We're going to be trying a lot of new things, including a website! So look out for that soon. If anyone has any ideas, we welcome your input!

5) Another project I'm working on in the summer is finally completing that house of ours. Oh man, do I want it done :-(. If I update a month from now and at least two rooms aren't done, I have failed myself lol

6) Finally moved out of the 211 house. (PHEW!) I even had one of those moments when I was swiffering my room, where the memories in that room flashed across my memory. the way they do in TV shows lol. as much as the room could suck sometimes, we had some great times in that room... with just the two of us, and with friends, and with huggo. a lot a lot of memories that i hope will stay with me for a long time... instead of the bitter memories that place evokes.

7) oo and i also joined the club and spent way too much money on a phone. lol but that's my first time buying crazy electronics. i do love my phone though. it's great for organizing all my stuff. and it's just fun lol.

Other than that, things are pretty much the same. I've adjusted to being back home and am appreciating the gems it has to offer… classic poker nights with the besties, Wawa!, no roommate drama, lol, clean spaces for my puppy to chill outside, family… chyeahhh.

so, that seems sufficient. Gotta wake up early for the suzuki dealership…
<3 me

When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.

"I Got Hit on at a Funeral", "Disappointment D-Day" and other Easter tales.

I could not begin to tell you what a terrible weekend it was to be me. Damned, doubtful, dumb-ass me.

Rest in Peace Aunt Florence. Aunt Flo. It is always so incredibly hard when a life is taken from us. So incredibly hard. If you have known them, if you have loved them, it is always so incredibly hard.

A lot of times, though, I feel like I don't have the right to cry. Me, who has held little more than the tritest familial conversations with, who has never given you a phone call, me, who with such staggering faith barely has a right to step into those church walls. I don't have a right to cry. So I hold it in. when everyone around me, everyone I care about is breaking down… I don't have the same pain that they have, and so I shut up and try to be a comforter, or invisible. Usually invisible. On those days, I just can't wait to go home and break down on my own.
Life is so fragile. I will have to watch people I love pass away. I will have to say goodbye to some of the closest people in my life. And I don't have the strength. I just don't.
The home-going ceremony. Everyone always fucking talks about how HARD it is to be a Christian how HARD it is to stand up for what you believe in. Well what about when you don't know what you believe? Can you imagine how incredibly hard that is? To go to your aunt's funeral and not be sure. Can you imagine? Can you understand.
Why the HELL has faith forsaken me? Why the HELL am I so confused?

I got hit on at a funeral? Have you heard of this? Why the HELL? "I saw you yesterday at the wake, but I didn't think it would be right to approach you with your mom there and all" good insight, buddy… just not good enough. At least he was nice about it, I wasn't some fine piece of ass, no, I was "the most beautiful girl he's ever seen." buddy needs glasses or a better line…" gave me his card and left me alone. I was incredulous and for some reason felt slightly violated… but whatever. Bygones, right?

Easter morning. Sunrise service. Was later at 5:40, no room in the chapel so had to sit in the other chapel and watch on the tv. Rev. Sanders was wonderful, as always… but not getting the power of the fellowship did not help revive me… and I felt like a traitor. Made dinner at aunt Roz's, dyed Easter eggs, which was wonderful. Grandma was slightly disappointed to realize that PJ was only studying religion and not becoming that evangelical she always wanted her own grandkids to be. Still proud of his religious pursuits… in ways, I feel like this weekend, PJ became part of my family, really, instead of just my boyfriend who they happen to really like. Uncle Arthur actually accidently referred to him as my fiance lol, not even as a joke… In the family pictures now beside the Dow men, it’s a different feeling, but I like it… except that in a way, it's making me expect more from you babe… not good in moments like this. I guess you've been so perfect lately, you're allowed to slip some days… and it is disappointment d-day, right? Still…

Well I even disappointed a best friend today. Without even realizing it, but I hurt her and I'm incredibly sorry. It was a weird misunderstanding that I wasn't expecting. Another bullet I didn’t think I'd have to take. It's been an incredibly hard weekend, and im back to a life that im growing tired of. Apparently, it's nowhere close to over.

b/c the "what's on your mind" thing on facebook could not fit this bullshit

AHHHHHHHHHHHH i'm losing my mind.

i can count on one hand the amount of things i've wanted as bad as a real chance in publishing. lol. it's so crazy. for being something that i've only been relatively recently introduced to, it's taking over my aspirations in an exponential manner to the point where I can't imagine anything i'd rather do for a career. it's pretty ridiculous. i have 3 people to thank for this: 1st, Jane Lee!!! for putting it into my head and getting me to research the industry enough to really pique my interest. 2nd, Georgia Fowler... my supposed academic adviser whom i've only met once, who posted in her email updates the open opportunity at the Press, and 3rd, Allison Hack... for liking me enough to hire me haha. and of course, the rest: the endless searching on bookjobs, penguin, random house, simon and schuster, hachette, subscribing to publisher's weekly, and all the other information and awareness I so eagerly hunt out, haha, that's all to blame on my hyper-active hopes for the future. the very same hyper-activity that's keeping me awake 2:30 in the AM trying to plan out the most efficient and realistic course of action for the next 3 years. lol. ugh. i hate it sometimes.
but right now, i'm eager and excited and ready to wake and write some cover letters lmao. probably not going to happen, but whatever.
anyway, this blog is just the product of too many hours of possibilities presented to me and my need to get back in touch with my normal consciousness. haha.

until tomorrow...

the poem

so i still can't do it. this poem is crap. it's a relation to a dream i had where i thought i was pregnant. thought i gave birth, but it turned out it was all in my head. it effected me more than i would have ever imagined.


I cannot
get out
of my dream.

I stood there
proud as a
life-giver
with vivacity growing inside me
as sure as my
identity

I was ME.
a not yet ripe
but deceivingly sweet
balloon of potency

and it was JOY
that overwhelmed me as I
stepped out into the sun

mixed with FEAR
that clouded my
consciousness...

i barely heard the doctors hurried directions
barely saw their blur as they lay me down
hardly felt the hands between my legs
bracing to hold the life of my

"baby boy."

they gave me
each word
like a sleeping pill
carrying my world to darkness.

until it was
completely.
inexplicably.
dead.

my son!
my son.
MY SON!

born
completely.
inexplicably.
dead.

and I knew.
as sure as my identity,
I knew.
as sure as my existence.

I too would be victim
of a too unstable world
If I wasn't held too tightly

quote the
strait-jacket
convincing me
of my insanity

and he -
he was just an illusion
an allusion to my future life

the ripeness-
in my head.
the sweetness-
tart enough to curdle my hopes

and I woke.

woke to a fucking
april joke.

stood up and felt the blood rushing between my legs
reaffirming my emptiness.

and when I went to breathe
each breath ached with
a mother's loss
of her only child.
the pain more real,
more sure than my own existence.

could not stand the rain so I
stopped
swimming.
lay back down
only to remember
the child that should be
laying with me.

I cannot
get out
of my dream.

his nonexistence
screams inside of me.

i miss someone who never existed
never really existed, even in my dreams.
i miss him with the pain of a lost love.

i promised myself a poem about it today and i only got about halfway through.
i cant seem to escape from it...
fucking april first.
no jokes, only rain
and the tricks of the mind

random

"So just take it easy...
and celebrate the malleable reality."

George had to pull me away from the rainstorm back into the house. I probably could have stayed out there. To me, in that moment, it was absolutely beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. The wind felt incredibly fresh against my skin; I could taste the vivacity of the earth; I was, for that moment a part of it all. I was cleansed, and I was free.

My world was a piece of art; a poem.

Lately, I've been really coming to know myself. The whole truths of myself, without the stench of shame and self-consciousness that usually reeks so bad I avoid the whole thing altogether. More than ever, I'm beginning to realize my place on this world... where I want to be and how I wish to be... and beginning to recognize parts of my self that I cannot yet articulate. My world is changing and I'm trying to embrace it.

the rest of reality pales in comparison, haha. its filled with worrying about money and making decisions about my future... buying a car / worrying about getting rent paid / applying for side jobs / securing fall 09 jobs / choosing classes / choosing majors and minors / worrying about the fact that we can only sublease our room for 1/2 the rent / trying to keep my grades relatively up / arguing about matrimony, haha....blahblahblah. that stuff.

instead of dealing with all this mess, we of course spend half the day just being us and being in that beautiful state of love/fun/laziness/comfort/ecstasy/craziness. such is my life. the life im going to have to pretend to my kids that I didn't have. lol. i've been thinking lately that I'm glad i didnt spend my life around the safest/cleanest/ most innocent people lol. so i'll know what to expect when my kids come of age. haha oh man....

i think i need to be content with the fact that this semester, though I thought it would be my easiest, though I thought I would be seeing As across the board, will be my worst. an ugly blotch on a previously well done college career. then I can be content with the fact that I'm not going to finish my readings in time, I'll lose my participation points, i cant care about this class enough to write a good essay,
and astronomy....
... well, fuck astronomy.

distractions

now that I've finished New Moon, I need something else to focus on besides this annoying sickness... so my thoughts turn to:

Car. Car. Car.

Damn it.

Leave it to my mom to squash my hopes and dreams and bring me back to reality:

Money. Money. Money.

Damn it.

and trust me, it had nothing to do with the purchasing of a car. I knew I could do that much this summer. some place would be desperate enough to allow me to put a $1000 down payment and do payments for the rest. and more likely than not, I could pay the rest in full by october, at the least. the car was not the problem...
just everything else that comes with owning a car. insurance first. i've blissfully been w/o insurance forever. knowing i'm a safe enough driver not to fuck up and knowing I barely drive anyway, it was never a concern. why pay so much for something I wouldn't use?
but now...
i should anticipate at least $200 a month. not the worst thing, really. if i tried really really hard, I could probably do it. but it adds up. 200+400+50+300. I won't have $1000 to spend every month on bills alone. and then there's the whole... eating thing. with pj's help, we could probably get by alright. but do I really want to put that pressure on us? do i want my vroom vroom that badly?

let's see... i survived the week in Galloway without it. relatively ungrudgingly. a few sour moments, but nothing i couldn't handle. my weekdays would be... getting dropped off at countryside after my mom gets dropped off at work... trying to get picked up after work. probably waiting for my dad or pj to pick me up. and if they have jobs that keep them from that. well, then, I'm screwed, aren't i? and to think, I was hoping to come up to new brunswick weekends, if it were enough to keep me hired at the RUP. lol that is, if they want me. haha too shy to ask yet...
i could survive the summer w/o it. i just don't want to.
ugh... when I do this, I gotta do it right.
it makes sense to wait until I'm 21. cheaper insurance, would actually have money amassed to purchase a car outright, instead of monthly payment bullshit.

i need someone to tell me i can do this (or we can do this, if you're still in this with me babe). tell me, and mean it. show me how.

However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names.

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

home...

Home sweet home…or so I thought. Pulling into the driveway, I couldn't shake the feeling of other-ness, of non-belonging. Things were as I expected them to be. House looks… the same. Broken. Yard looks as dead and leaf-filled as I would have guessed. Snoop was not in the cage, not on the run, not on the porch, not in the house eagerly waiting for you to come up and pet him. That still gets me every time I reenter the driveway. He's been a part of this house for me for nearly as far back as I can remember, and his being gone is another piece that keeps "home" from being whole. Not that there aren't other changes, cosmetic changes, which I welcome whole-heartedly…
But the feel of the place has changed. Definitely.
I hoped I could somehow change it back this week I was here. Naiive. It takes more than one to tango. In this case, it would take at least 4…
But it's home. Being in the arms of my mom, being around the familiar fireplace, remembering what life was like before…
Seeing Absegami for the first time since I've graduated. Realizing so little has changed, being surprised at how far away those days now seem, how old I seem in comparison. Going to Wawa… mmm… Galloway Diner trips with the friends, poker nights with the family-in-law, working at Movie City, visiting Countryside… driving around in our beat-up car. Yeah, it's all a part of being home, haha.
Trying to figure out how I will survive this summer. My only idea is… by getting a car. By being free to enjoy the pieces of home that I love, when I want to. Being able to be alone when I want, be with family when I want, be with friends when I want… go to work on time w/o arguments, not waiting around to be picked up. YES. Car is necessary. Decided right now. Budget will be… no idea. Definitely under 8000. by May we'll have a 1500 down payment, and to pay the remaining 6500, or less. Well, over the span of a year, will not be a big deal at all, especially after we get our refund checks lol! Life… well, I'll be working my ass off again this summer, and hopefully working during the fall semester at Plangere and RUP.

In other news… I'm reading the Twilight series. I can now admit that since I finished Twilight in 2 days and am eager to get to New Moon. Haha, don't judge. Imagine being the first person to read the submitted Twilight manuscript and realizing that you have the next great young adult novel in your hands… helping Meyer edit and shape it until it’s the perfect book that’s made hundreds of thousands fall in love with vampires all over again. And you… falling in love with the printed pages in your hands. The way some people love cars, others love puppies, and others love that perfect gucci purse.

So, no, I am not among the many who fell for Edward Cullen. I guess b/c I already have my own irresistible guy that makes my heard pound at just the thought of being with him ;-). Lol but I did love the novel… not even going to lie. I thought it was a great, fun story, and that Stephenie found the perfect balance of authorship that kept from being too adult, too serious, and at the same time, not trite and trivial, not cliché and corny lol. Yeah… I'm glad I gave it a chance, it was a lot of fun. Reminded me of Lois Duncan actually, my favorite childhood author

Other than that, I've been surviving the break. Having a few wacked out dreams. One was about george reading minds lol, 2 of which were about rushed weddings that were called off at the last minute… am I afraid of that? Maybe? When people realize how long we've been together… most ask if we're getting married. Innocent enough. But others look down on my left ring finger, expectingly… and that kinda freaks me out. And I'm trying to analyze this… b/c it's not that the thought of marriage scares me. To think of spending the rest of forever with my sole mate, with that unshakable bond… well, what tops that really? I guess I just know that I'm yet not ready to enter that stage in my life… and I feel like 1/2 the world expects me to be. Soon, if not already. And I don't know if I'll ever find the balance between feeling too rushed and feeling too late…. Ugh. Fml.

… and its Thursday, and Im back to school on Monday. Back to trying to keep up and stressing out. Ugh. I just don't want to do it any more…. Not till I take awesome classes again. Fuck astronomy. Lol

video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQLD59fK_Iw

watch this video.... it blew my mind today...

choices

i am paralyzed by choices. Every day. and I didn't even realize it until recently. I see it everywhere: the woman who never redid her kitchen because she wasn't satisfied choosing a tile until she saw all the alternatives, the student who has taken classes and so many different fields because he couldn't decide on a major, and now has no head start in any subject when its time to choose his major, the me that can't decide whether to study astronomy or write, or stumble video, or read, or have some fun, and so just ends up sitting there, staring into space, thinking about all the other choices she'll have to make soon... what exactly should we do with that kitchen of ours, where should i apply for my summer 2010 internship, where should i live after i graduate, should i start volunteering with habitat again, should i start with ROAR, should i read invisible man and participate in that book club. should i apply elsewhere this summer or leave it to countryside and MC, should i go to church this week or not, when i should get married, when i should get a dog, kids, home, should i save for the car or buy that itouch or save for vacation, should i buy the blackjackII or a blackberry... everything, from the life-shaping to the menial and superficial, the choices, the chances for changes... they overwhelm my thoughts. I think, and think, and think, and get nearly nowhere, out of fear that I am making the wrong choices. and worse, overwhelmed in these thoughts, I do nothing. I don't study, i don't write, i don't read, (i usually have fun haha), too many choices for color and material, so many factors of cost and satisfaction that i don't know how to help with our kitchen remodeling, i never buy my itouch, i hesitate to buy a car, i never email habitat for the build dates, i never call my aunt to take me to church, i never pick up invisible man, and before i know it, the dates have past, my time is up and now i have to wonder if by not-acting i made the right choice. and then i beat myself up all over again.

when i started talking to the hubby about this last night, he asked me an important question: well, how else would i want it to be? would i want less choices, would i want more things definite and absolute? absolutely not.

I love the choices I get to make. and when I finally make a solid choice, i'm more proud of myself and more satisfied in the long run than if i hadn't had such a tough time making it. for example, i've decided that I really want to try a career in publishing. and for the next 4 years or so, that's absolutely my goal. once its tried, however, i may need a new goal haha but, the point is... after years of trying to figure out what path i want to take, always coming up with something that was a good decision, but that i felt lacked a certain something, i finally found that certain something... and because of that, i am extremely happy with my choice. but on that same token, if 5 years into publishing, I realize that it's not for me, I would have felt that i wasted my 4 yrs prepping, and will start to wonder what i could have done differently to ensure better happiness. I'll then realize all the things I could have changed and would be upset, blaming the only person I could -- myself. luckily, i don't mind saying, oh well, and picking up with something new... but my satisfaction with my choice completely diminishes because there were tons of other paths i could have taken that I will now think could have been a better alternative.
or in more present terms... i love my school. love it. On weekends like this, where friday, I got to have a deeper look into the excitement of the publishing field at work, went out and grabbed bubble tea with a friend who i don't get to see as much as we'd like, went shopping with her afterwards, then came home to chill and later, party it up with my buddies, with saturday being beautiful weather, getting together with a group of interesting and intelligent students to write a play on the benches outside, enjoying the (almost) spring green, great weather, watching people play football, smelling the frats' bbq... mmmmm... all the while never leaving campus lol. get to look forward to a great class on monday, a writers at rutgers event on wednesday... and even amidst all the stress of midterms, times like these, I gotta love my school... all its charm, convenience and entertainment... (and the great education, lol). and when i reflect on all this, i give myself a pat on the back because I made a great choice. but when financial aid screws me over, when the thurs/fri/sat night party crowd pisses me off, when the busses make me late for my bullshit class, when communications doesn't offer a minor!, when the weather sucks ass and the campus looks like a frozen hell, haha, then i begin to think... what if i had only chosen somewhere different? and that takes away from the previous happiness.

so back to what I want, how would I want things to be different? the availability of choices, I can't complain about. The only thing I want to change is my paralysis involving it and the hit to satisfaction later, the buyers remorse, if you will...
I want to be faster, more sure, more content with my decisions.

i'm going to email habitat right now, im going to look into ROAR, I'm going to sit down and decide my gameplan for today.

... and yet, I'm still pretty bummed that I chose to write this instead of going to the gym. damn it.

between.lives

RIP

... I wonder how my dog lived, how he felt, what he thought of all of us. While he was sick, I always thought that he was ready to leave this place, but I never wanted my parents to put him to sleep. He passed naturally...

I have so many regrets about never being close to my dogs. I hope I'll never feel that regret again. I want to do it right next time.

I just hope he's happier there than here...

Rest In Peace Snoop.

Testimony 1:

These are the things that change relationships.
The things that relationships are made out of:
Trust, security, love, compassion, respect, understanding.
These are the things that, when compromised, when ignored, when threatened, when brought into a new light, make the relationship compromised, ignored, threatened, and brought into a new light.

My boyfriend is in the middle of writing an amazing discourse about a multitude of things but the one that this reminds me of is the idea that we can't know who we are except by comparing it to what we are not.
We can have one idea about what our relationships are, but we can never really know until we realize everything that it is not. Thus, when these things of which relationships are made of are compromised, ignored, threatened, and brought into a new light, that's when we really realize what that relationship is made out of, solidly.

I guess my last post and this one stems from a place of pure confusion. Genuine questions about the dysfunctionality of relationships. In a country where more than half of marriages end in divorce, and far more than that are unhappy, we have to question where the hell everything went wrong. I mean, I have my own theories, but that's not what this post is about. My questions are more about relationships in general. About how we allow detrimental relationships in our lives, why we love others more than ourselves (or at least, do more for others than we'd ever do for ourselves and put others wants and needs above our own), and why people turn on each other when a relationship one believes in is criticized by the other.
And unlike said boyfriend, I don't have the balls to sit down and really try to find the answers.

I guess "in short, I was afraid"… stealing a line from my favorite poem… because really trying to figure out where this dysfunctionality stems from could lead me to discover truths that I'd probably be happier not knowing lol.

Trust. How far does your trust go in me? I usually label everyone I meet trustworthy until I have reasonable cause to think otherwise. But true trust… like I'm going to tell you a secret that I want you to keep to yourself, but if you feel the need to tell someone else, I trust that you're only doing it for good… like if you tell me that I shouldn't do thing A and that I should do thing B, I'll believe that you're right… like I know that you would never betray me… that kind of trust, only comes with the other 5: security, love, compassion, respect, and understanding.

They all feed off of each other in that way. Which makes me wonder… what happens when one is lacking? When one is compromised, or ignored? If you do something that shows that you don't respect me, my understanding of you will fail, my trust in you will be destroyed, my compassion for you will dwindle and I will never feel secure with you.

That being said, the only essence I don't include is love. Intangible and weakly defined, love… be it an outside force, an inward feeling, a state of being or an action… love surpasses all things… all limits, all logic… and so, we can love without any of the other components of a relationship.

So that’s it then, huh? Love is what makes relationships dysfunctional? Lol. Well that doesn't explain why people stay in relationships that lack love. Maybe if a relationship lacks in love but has trust, security, respect and understanding, it's worth keeping.

But what about ones that lack love, lack compassion, lack respect, lack understanding? The ones that leave you insecure, where you can't even trust that you will be kept safe? Can a relationship survive then? My fear is that it can. That it does…

And then society needs to be brought into the equation. Society makes it so that people feel as if there is something wrong with them if they are not in a relationship. Makes it so that getting out of a bad marriage could label you as a bad mother, as going against your religion, as ruining the family unit. Makes you not feel complete unless you, ironically, agree to be only half of a unit.

Ahh… you see, I've trailed off. Because this topic is too damn complicated and involved.

I guess I'm just hoping writing will help me discover, because the confusion is leaving me unsettled and what I know now is tearing me apart. So many relationships in my life and around me are being brought into new lights. My ideas of them are being threatened and refuted by recent actions, making me realize what they really are, by realizing what they are not.

Only about 15% are in a good way.
Luckily… one is with the one I live with happily, day in and day out, right by my side.