Testimony 1:

These are the things that change relationships.
The things that relationships are made out of:
Trust, security, love, compassion, respect, understanding.
These are the things that, when compromised, when ignored, when threatened, when brought into a new light, make the relationship compromised, ignored, threatened, and brought into a new light.

My boyfriend is in the middle of writing an amazing discourse about a multitude of things but the one that this reminds me of is the idea that we can't know who we are except by comparing it to what we are not.
We can have one idea about what our relationships are, but we can never really know until we realize everything that it is not. Thus, when these things of which relationships are made of are compromised, ignored, threatened, and brought into a new light, that's when we really realize what that relationship is made out of, solidly.

I guess my last post and this one stems from a place of pure confusion. Genuine questions about the dysfunctionality of relationships. In a country where more than half of marriages end in divorce, and far more than that are unhappy, we have to question where the hell everything went wrong. I mean, I have my own theories, but that's not what this post is about. My questions are more about relationships in general. About how we allow detrimental relationships in our lives, why we love others more than ourselves (or at least, do more for others than we'd ever do for ourselves and put others wants and needs above our own), and why people turn on each other when a relationship one believes in is criticized by the other.
And unlike said boyfriend, I don't have the balls to sit down and really try to find the answers.

I guess "in short, I was afraid"… stealing a line from my favorite poem… because really trying to figure out where this dysfunctionality stems from could lead me to discover truths that I'd probably be happier not knowing lol.

Trust. How far does your trust go in me? I usually label everyone I meet trustworthy until I have reasonable cause to think otherwise. But true trust… like I'm going to tell you a secret that I want you to keep to yourself, but if you feel the need to tell someone else, I trust that you're only doing it for good… like if you tell me that I shouldn't do thing A and that I should do thing B, I'll believe that you're right… like I know that you would never betray me… that kind of trust, only comes with the other 5: security, love, compassion, respect, and understanding.

They all feed off of each other in that way. Which makes me wonder… what happens when one is lacking? When one is compromised, or ignored? If you do something that shows that you don't respect me, my understanding of you will fail, my trust in you will be destroyed, my compassion for you will dwindle and I will never feel secure with you.

That being said, the only essence I don't include is love. Intangible and weakly defined, love… be it an outside force, an inward feeling, a state of being or an action… love surpasses all things… all limits, all logic… and so, we can love without any of the other components of a relationship.

So that’s it then, huh? Love is what makes relationships dysfunctional? Lol. Well that doesn't explain why people stay in relationships that lack love. Maybe if a relationship lacks in love but has trust, security, respect and understanding, it's worth keeping.

But what about ones that lack love, lack compassion, lack respect, lack understanding? The ones that leave you insecure, where you can't even trust that you will be kept safe? Can a relationship survive then? My fear is that it can. That it does…

And then society needs to be brought into the equation. Society makes it so that people feel as if there is something wrong with them if they are not in a relationship. Makes it so that getting out of a bad marriage could label you as a bad mother, as going against your religion, as ruining the family unit. Makes you not feel complete unless you, ironically, agree to be only half of a unit.

Ahh… you see, I've trailed off. Because this topic is too damn complicated and involved.

I guess I'm just hoping writing will help me discover, because the confusion is leaving me unsettled and what I know now is tearing me apart. So many relationships in my life and around me are being brought into new lights. My ideas of them are being threatened and refuted by recent actions, making me realize what they really are, by realizing what they are not.

Only about 15% are in a good way.
Luckily… one is with the one I live with happily, day in and day out, right by my side.