if i had one of those PDA extravaganzas with easy-to-use keyboards,
this blog would overthrow with the thoughts as I sit on the L or walk to the bank.
My MIND IS A BATTLEFIELD!!!
i.think.i.am.insane.

here's some mind-clips of today:

" I am SO FUCKING TIRED of being the only one in my GODDAMN LIFE- fuck, sorry Lord. did not mean to use your name in vain -- the only fucking person who does not know who the hell she is! I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF MY DAMN INDECISION!"

"maybe leaving really is the only option..."

"why does my father only call me when he needs money. and people wonder why i have that 'i need you to care about me, look after my needs and never leave me' whole issue. that, 'i need you to be able to support me even though i'm independent as hell." whole point of view"

"i.would.not.want.to.date.me"

___________________________________________________________________


.... i changed my room around today and it helped. it satisfied, temporarily, my need for a change, for spice, for something other than sitting around on my computer while people do whatever they want in my room. where's the interaction. better yet, where's my interaction? i'm invisible in my own world.

i made amy ask for any openings at ABP. haha. doubt it'll happen but i could really use a job right now. i need an escape. and i can't always turn to "the d word". do i even have to censor this?

i.need.more.

in my head, i yell at inanimate objects as if they'd make a difference. i exult sarah balkin b/c she's the only person in my week that stimulates my brain. really stimulates.

one of these days i'm going to walk away and no one's going to realize why.
because i'm silent in my own world.
I'M SILENT.

what would i do without the written word?

I caught a glimpse of greatness

I caught a glimpse of greatness today, and I couldn't stop staring. She could have been anyone - middle length brown hair, fair skin, green eyes - American, jeans and a nice shirt, standing with the air of no one of importance. She was standing right in front of me. My hero was standing right in front of me. I didn't even know her; the first time I was introduced to her was only and hour and a half before, in a beautiful documentary called Beyond Belief. She is my hero. And I don't even know her last name.
Her husband was on one of the planes that crashed into the WTC in 2001. At the time, she was pregnant with her third child from the love of her life, his only concern as he left the door was the iron ruining his pants...
But somehow, through the grief, through the hurt, through the confusion, through the anger, she rose up, and tried to make something good out of this. She and another young window in similar circumstances decided that instead of focusing on their grief, they would reach out to others in similar, and as they soon found out, much worse circumstances, as their own. The widows of Afghanistan - the misguided target of America's pain. The "enemy". Through their similar pain, they learned from each other, began a comradeship that led to the building up of these Afghan families who were building up from nothing. These women, who had depended on their husbands for the security of their families, were now stripped of everything by our doing. These two American women decided it was time for a mutual understanding, for a clarity, for a bridge that proved that we are not as different as we choose to believe, that we are all in this together.

These two women... ordinary, ordinary women... had a goal, had a vision and they carried it through. THEY CARRIED IT THROUGH! How many of us want to do good, want to be better and it never gets beyond the vision, never gets past the idea? How often do I decide - this is when I'm going to turn my life around and do what I can with what I have to do good.

WHY DON'T WE DO ENOUGH GOOD IN THIS WORLD?

When we can! If only we could get past the lure of our day-to-day lives, if we could stop getting lost in our cycles? And i'm not saying be a martyr or go to Kabul and help the orphans get an education, I'm just saying DO SOMETHING. even if it's for yourself. don't light up that last joint and instead use your brain power to do something long-lasting and good! haha, k sidetrack.

But I am the perfect example. I encountered greatness today -- someone who looked beyond their circumstances and went beyond just the goal and did something -- an ordinary woman who did something extraordinary. I ENCOUNTERED GREATNESS!.... and I walked away. I stared for a few minutes, and I walked away. Decided it was time to go home -- for no reason other than that I was tired and felt it was time to retreat. If I couldn't even take that step, how will I make any that matter??

The end of the video had a commentary by one of the leaders of CARE ( if you don't know it, look it up!) and he said something that hit a chord with me:
We make choices everyday. Every day we make small choices that build up and build up and shape who we are and where we end up - that put us in a position to make bigger choices, greater decisions. We don't realize it- but they change us tremendously.

What choices have you made lately that have put you where you are today?

today was great. GREAT. and not in the "oh everything went so joyously" kind of great - I spent 7am-1:40 pm studying my ass off after getting not enough sleep because I was studying my ass off the night before for an exam I still didn't do too well on. I thought my brain was going to explode. Spent the day as a bum, skipped my two morning classes but was filled the rest of the day with running between here and there. Got a great lecture in brit fiction which was the shift in my day. Met a guy on the bus who was passing out pamphlets with American sign language that said that he was deaf and was trying to sell these papers, at any cost to help support his family. I know you've all seen that before, the guy just trying to get handouts. And even the giver in me was hesitant, I feel like so many of these guys are lying or not doing all they can to help their situation -- until I read again -- "to help support my family." And I almost broke down right there on the bus as I fished for my dollars... to help support his family. How terrible, terrible, it must be to sit around helplessly at home while your family's struggling with the rent. Finding it impossible to get a job because no one wants to hire that one deaf guy that's going to be a handful to train. How horrible must it be to be a man, growing up with the idea (yes, even in the 21st century) that he is supposed to be able to financially support his family, while instead finds himself utterly incompitant. And so, now that my head stop bursting, my heart burst. And burst and burst again while watching Beyond Belief.... So back, to my point. today was GREAT. not in emotion, but in magnitude. in gravity.

So, feel it. fuck the exams, fuck your situation and FEEL IT.
Help someone today. Even if its yourself.

...and remember how blessed you are.

What am I looking for?

You see, "I've been sitting, waiting, wishing"
Looking for that "something missing"
Hoping to find, in truth, that
"the answer lied in me."

And time doesn't freeze
For the one that leaves it
So I went on believing that I would meet it
Somewhere on the winding path.

And it's brought me to the wrong side of my head.

Running in circles
Making a target
Of the pain I've bled.

Too lost in your wounds
To realize my own.

And yet
Nothing heals me like the kiss
I imagine your lips to breathe
Or the bliss of the false memories
Of a life never realized
And never to be lived again.

And, And, And…
As if life is some continuous roller coaster ride
That never stops to rid of the attachments
It has grew tired of.
Always moving, moving, moving
And always losing, losing, losing
Its thrill.

But STILL, I RIDE
Not trying to mock the poet
But I can't rise
When the ride won't subside
Always running but never ending the race.

But wait.
If I opened my eyes maybe I could see.
Find the missing piece of the false life I lead
In the storm of my mind
I may never reach.

After all,
What am I reaching for?

random inspiration outside of the sac...

i wanna see a transformation
a reevaluation of your so-called "face" and
i need to see that you can make it
Far above my expectations
Problem is
You seem to think your station
sets by declaration
You need to know
The beat goes slow
There's time to lose
Your prideful glow

SO TAKE OFF YOUR COOL
LET ME SEE THE ME INSIDE OF YOU!

There's no room for your comfort zone
Inside this space
Makes everything so complicated
When you can't reign
Be insecure for a change
Infected yourself with this dis-ease
Blind your view so you can see
Your music fights against the beat

SO TAKE OFF YOUR COOL
LET ME SEE THE ME INSIDE OF YOU!

What's inside of you
That your reflection cannot see?
It's not going to be easy
When your mirror lies in me
But you can't seem to make it past
The peace that lies beneath your mask
The cocoon you built can only last
As long as you don't move so fast

SO TAKE OFF YOUR COOL
LET ME SEE THE ME INSIDE OF YOU!