choices

i am paralyzed by choices. Every day. and I didn't even realize it until recently. I see it everywhere: the woman who never redid her kitchen because she wasn't satisfied choosing a tile until she saw all the alternatives, the student who has taken classes and so many different fields because he couldn't decide on a major, and now has no head start in any subject when its time to choose his major, the me that can't decide whether to study astronomy or write, or stumble video, or read, or have some fun, and so just ends up sitting there, staring into space, thinking about all the other choices she'll have to make soon... what exactly should we do with that kitchen of ours, where should i apply for my summer 2010 internship, where should i live after i graduate, should i start volunteering with habitat again, should i start with ROAR, should i read invisible man and participate in that book club. should i apply elsewhere this summer or leave it to countryside and MC, should i go to church this week or not, when i should get married, when i should get a dog, kids, home, should i save for the car or buy that itouch or save for vacation, should i buy the blackjackII or a blackberry... everything, from the life-shaping to the menial and superficial, the choices, the chances for changes... they overwhelm my thoughts. I think, and think, and think, and get nearly nowhere, out of fear that I am making the wrong choices. and worse, overwhelmed in these thoughts, I do nothing. I don't study, i don't write, i don't read, (i usually have fun haha), too many choices for color and material, so many factors of cost and satisfaction that i don't know how to help with our kitchen remodeling, i never buy my itouch, i hesitate to buy a car, i never email habitat for the build dates, i never call my aunt to take me to church, i never pick up invisible man, and before i know it, the dates have past, my time is up and now i have to wonder if by not-acting i made the right choice. and then i beat myself up all over again.

when i started talking to the hubby about this last night, he asked me an important question: well, how else would i want it to be? would i want less choices, would i want more things definite and absolute? absolutely not.

I love the choices I get to make. and when I finally make a solid choice, i'm more proud of myself and more satisfied in the long run than if i hadn't had such a tough time making it. for example, i've decided that I really want to try a career in publishing. and for the next 4 years or so, that's absolutely my goal. once its tried, however, i may need a new goal haha but, the point is... after years of trying to figure out what path i want to take, always coming up with something that was a good decision, but that i felt lacked a certain something, i finally found that certain something... and because of that, i am extremely happy with my choice. but on that same token, if 5 years into publishing, I realize that it's not for me, I would have felt that i wasted my 4 yrs prepping, and will start to wonder what i could have done differently to ensure better happiness. I'll then realize all the things I could have changed and would be upset, blaming the only person I could -- myself. luckily, i don't mind saying, oh well, and picking up with something new... but my satisfaction with my choice completely diminishes because there were tons of other paths i could have taken that I will now think could have been a better alternative.
or in more present terms... i love my school. love it. On weekends like this, where friday, I got to have a deeper look into the excitement of the publishing field at work, went out and grabbed bubble tea with a friend who i don't get to see as much as we'd like, went shopping with her afterwards, then came home to chill and later, party it up with my buddies, with saturday being beautiful weather, getting together with a group of interesting and intelligent students to write a play on the benches outside, enjoying the (almost) spring green, great weather, watching people play football, smelling the frats' bbq... mmmmm... all the while never leaving campus lol. get to look forward to a great class on monday, a writers at rutgers event on wednesday... and even amidst all the stress of midterms, times like these, I gotta love my school... all its charm, convenience and entertainment... (and the great education, lol). and when i reflect on all this, i give myself a pat on the back because I made a great choice. but when financial aid screws me over, when the thurs/fri/sat night party crowd pisses me off, when the busses make me late for my bullshit class, when communications doesn't offer a minor!, when the weather sucks ass and the campus looks like a frozen hell, haha, then i begin to think... what if i had only chosen somewhere different? and that takes away from the previous happiness.

so back to what I want, how would I want things to be different? the availability of choices, I can't complain about. The only thing I want to change is my paralysis involving it and the hit to satisfaction later, the buyers remorse, if you will...
I want to be faster, more sure, more content with my decisions.

i'm going to email habitat right now, im going to look into ROAR, I'm going to sit down and decide my gameplan for today.

... and yet, I'm still pretty bummed that I chose to write this instead of going to the gym. damn it.