"I Got Hit on at a Funeral", "Disappointment D-Day" and other Easter tales.

I could not begin to tell you what a terrible weekend it was to be me. Damned, doubtful, dumb-ass me.

Rest in Peace Aunt Florence. Aunt Flo. It is always so incredibly hard when a life is taken from us. So incredibly hard. If you have known them, if you have loved them, it is always so incredibly hard.

A lot of times, though, I feel like I don't have the right to cry. Me, who has held little more than the tritest familial conversations with, who has never given you a phone call, me, who with such staggering faith barely has a right to step into those church walls. I don't have a right to cry. So I hold it in. when everyone around me, everyone I care about is breaking down… I don't have the same pain that they have, and so I shut up and try to be a comforter, or invisible. Usually invisible. On those days, I just can't wait to go home and break down on my own.
Life is so fragile. I will have to watch people I love pass away. I will have to say goodbye to some of the closest people in my life. And I don't have the strength. I just don't.
The home-going ceremony. Everyone always fucking talks about how HARD it is to be a Christian how HARD it is to stand up for what you believe in. Well what about when you don't know what you believe? Can you imagine how incredibly hard that is? To go to your aunt's funeral and not be sure. Can you imagine? Can you understand.
Why the HELL has faith forsaken me? Why the HELL am I so confused?

I got hit on at a funeral? Have you heard of this? Why the HELL? "I saw you yesterday at the wake, but I didn't think it would be right to approach you with your mom there and all" good insight, buddy… just not good enough. At least he was nice about it, I wasn't some fine piece of ass, no, I was "the most beautiful girl he's ever seen." buddy needs glasses or a better line…" gave me his card and left me alone. I was incredulous and for some reason felt slightly violated… but whatever. Bygones, right?

Easter morning. Sunrise service. Was later at 5:40, no room in the chapel so had to sit in the other chapel and watch on the tv. Rev. Sanders was wonderful, as always… but not getting the power of the fellowship did not help revive me… and I felt like a traitor. Made dinner at aunt Roz's, dyed Easter eggs, which was wonderful. Grandma was slightly disappointed to realize that PJ was only studying religion and not becoming that evangelical she always wanted her own grandkids to be. Still proud of his religious pursuits… in ways, I feel like this weekend, PJ became part of my family, really, instead of just my boyfriend who they happen to really like. Uncle Arthur actually accidently referred to him as my fiance lol, not even as a joke… In the family pictures now beside the Dow men, it’s a different feeling, but I like it… except that in a way, it's making me expect more from you babe… not good in moments like this. I guess you've been so perfect lately, you're allowed to slip some days… and it is disappointment d-day, right? Still…

Well I even disappointed a best friend today. Without even realizing it, but I hurt her and I'm incredibly sorry. It was a weird misunderstanding that I wasn't expecting. Another bullet I didn’t think I'd have to take. It's been an incredibly hard weekend, and im back to a life that im growing tired of. Apparently, it's nowhere close to over.