whirlwind of emotions that i can't explain.... that only you can change.

I know there's something wrong inside my head, but i can't quite put my finger on it, or rather, my subconscious mind is blocking my conscious mind from realizing it, protecting myself from recognizing what is wrong.

No, don't worry kids, I'm not going through the same kind of depression that's been clouding over me on and off for the past oh... 6 years of my life haha. it's more like the quiet solemn complacency of a life lived well but not to it's fullest potential.

"Your absence runs through me like thread through a needle... everything I do is stitched with its color...."

I was so proud of myself last year... first year student... got involved with oxfam and habitat for humanity, even went to the food bank with circle K. I had fun, but stayed reasonably clean, did well in my classes, learned guitar, went to bartending school, sought out a job and at least landed a few temp jobs... at the book store and the expo... i kept my money well... i learned a lot, i found myself on this gigantic wild horse and i took the reins and learned how to ride.

I fell off awhile ago and while this summer I leapt back up, I seemed to have slipped back down as of late. I'm lost, I'm confused about the who and why and where I am.

Rewind: "Your absence runs through me like thread through a needle.... "

There's been an incredible amount of loss lately and it would be ridiculous for me not to address this, internally and externally.

We lose so that we learn to live. We learn to appreciate what we had, what we have, and what we will attain. But most of the time when we lose, we can't realize the reason for it.

We lost 2 friends in the past month. Rest in your havens, Pheobe and Maryanne. I pray that you are home and happy. Realizing your absence from this world is hard for me. Neither of you I knew too well, but your presence, your smiles, your words, have been a part of my life and I can't truly imagine a world in which those are gone. You both were truly loved and will be truly missed....

Their passings put things in perspective for me. It's hard for me to pass that to all of you... to say... "a great love screwed you over, you broke it off with your best friend, you no longer believe in love, but damn... you still have your life, the people that you love still inhabit this earth... you have that, so stop crying and learn to smile again" because I know that at this moment, for some of you, it seems that there are some things worse than death. and while there are, death is the only final thing. the only thing you can't fix, you can't change, you have no control over.

right now... life hurts.
but i'm going to make sloppy joes, get drunk tonight, start zumba next week, get involved with oxfam, read my books, keep on writing, listen to jason mraz, visit leanne joie, and it'll all go away.

and right now, since i know you both will never read this i can write...

1) i hope that i will get you back. as a sister and a friend....
and
2) i don't know really what i expect of you, but i realize that sometimes it's too much, and sometimes they contradict, and i'm sorry. but i need you to be my everything. i need to know that i can be your everything.
... and at the same time, that's exactly what i'm afriad of.