I feel like an absolute mess.

Sitting alone upstairs in sweatpants and uncombed hair while the rain pours outside and my comp apps book is staring at me as if it wanted to say, "seriously, Carin? you're not getting this stuff?"

my brain just doesn't grasp the things it used to. i can still do things, i can still write a program, i can still do the accounting to balance it all out... but i never really understand what i'm doing anymore. I do without understanding the concepts behind things, the reasoning behind it all.

I wish this only applied to my courses. But instead, I spent yesterday falling in and out stages of breathing and hyperventilating, leaving my house in a rage then coming right back, laughing with Amy and then slamming my books down on my desk because I couldn't stand the frustration. Dizzy, disheartened, overwhelmed, tired, restless, my heart beating faster than I could think and my brain on the verge of a stroke.

And my soul... my soul is 10 steps below where it should be. Where it needs to be. And on request of Nicole, and since I can't seem to focus on studying, I will write my religious confusion post, haha.

Anyone who has talked religion with me in the past... oh... 7 years or so... would know I've always had a very open mind about things. How could there only be ONE "true" religion in a world of 6 billion people with many very substantiated belief systems? Why should I and my church be the only "right way"? And at the same time, my heart, mind, and soul, never once could doubt that there is a God, there is a Jesus, and there is a spiritual path we all need to strive towards. But in fact, I love parts of all religions and am a strong believer in the fact that they are all saying the same thing: be a good person.

But I guess that's what I've been struggling with for some time. Let's explore a few passages:

"Enter in by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter in by it.How narrow is the gate, and restricted is the way that leads to life! Few are those who find it." .... that's Matthew (chapter 7, verse 13-14) and then... the big one in Proverbs (14:12)

"There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death"

Repeat:

There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

A way that seems right but will lead to death.
Now, like I said, all religions are telling me to be a good person... and each attempts to define "good person" in their way that seems nearly impossible in this 21st century world with the desires and urges that are within us. It seems only right that we twist the rules around to fit our lives.

I guess, I should backtrack and explain the reason I'm reiterating this...
I think I'm a good person.
I help strangers, I try not to hurt people, I try to please my parents, I choose love over hate.
and yet, I twist the rules around: I drink, I smoke, I have sex, I curse, I don't pray on the regular, I don't believe everything the preacher tells me, I feel that religion gets in the way of spirituality, I don't understand why all the praise should go to God, I don't understand why I'm supposed to be a servant, why I should "give up my life", I don't understand why a god would put us on Earth just to fuck around with us and see if we're worthy of his heaven.

And then I repent, because inside I feel like I'm on the wrong path and I pray to God to FIND ME THAT PATH THAT DOESN'T LEAD TO DEATH! because it's not enough to be a good person. I want to be a better person. I want to believe everything. But the confusion in my mind, the confusion which I know is founded on good grounds, will never allow me. I pray for guidance.

And then... here's the biggie:
I ignore every bit of guidance that comes my way.

The voices in the head that tell me to stop, the feeling in my heart that tells me this isn't where I should be right now, the messages in church that seem to be talking to me directly, saying exactly what I need to hear to put me on the right path, I relish in for a while and then go back on the path that seem "right" enough to me...

Last week, A women randomly approached me as I was half reading, half going over and over in my head about how I need guidance in my life, a step away from all the things holding me down, someone to encourage me and help me change for the better. And while my heart was heavy this woman started talking to me in her broken English about this bible study organization that she's in where people are paired up for one-on-one discussion sessions about the Bible and how it all applies to our daily lives. She told me I could find any time, any place that was convenient for me and she would set something up. She was not asking for donations, not even a commitment, just a general... tell me where and when and you can begin the journey for a better life.

And what did I do? I took her pamphlet, thanked her for what she was doing, told her it was a wonderful organization and that I would definitely think about it, and after she said that she would be there at the same time in the same place next week in case I'm ready, I left. And never called, and never planned to go.

I literally heard God in my head screaming " WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? " I've been praying for a sign, something to straighten me up, and I got it, and turned away.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This week, at the time I was supposed to meet with her, I was in the same place, the same time only I decided to just eat instead.

The decisions I make on the daily make me hate myself.
I know I'm better than what I settle for for myself and yet I cannot seem to break away.

I feel like I really have to leave and get away from my self for awhile just so I can keep choosing love over hate, Life over Death.

And what's worse is that I should be happy. I should have nothing to complain about. Life has been good to me. I'm a damn ungrateful fool.